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The difference of love between east and west 中外恋爱观不同<转>

记不清是在电影里或者小说里看过这样的情节:一个西方的男人(也许是成熟的绅士,也许是英俊的军官或者文雅的书生),遇见了一个东方女子(也许是大家闺秀,也许是小家碧玉,但都很美,而且不知道自己的美)。 
Can't remember once saw such plot in a movie or in a novel: A western man(maybe a mature gentleman, a good-looking colonel or a knowlegable intellectual) , met a oriental lady (probably a in door girl or daughter of a middle-class family, anyway, everybody knows their beauty except themselves ).

终于在一个迷人的夜晚或者清晨,他对她说:“我爱你。”然后他们一起坠入情网。然后发生点什么,使他须面临金钱、前途、名誉(或者别的你能想得出来的对人有诱惑的东西)与爱情冲突。他们必须抉择。然后问题就来了:西方的男子觉得自己不应该放弃自己的理想与追求,相爱过了也就彼此付出也得到过,他准备放弃,他觉得女子应该理解并且有一个完美的告别——他并没有想伤害她,更不想毁掉可以成为美好回忆的爱情。 
Finally he said to her in a lovely evening or morning: I love you. Then they fall in love with each other. Then something happened, which forced him to choose, from wealth, future, fame (or anything you can imagine which is attractive to a man), all these is collide with love. They have to make a decision. Then comes the problem: The western man thought he shouldn't give up his dreams and persumes, but for romance, he thought he loved, paid out and got, so he decided to give it up. Meanwhile, he take it for granted that the girl should understand him and that ought to  be an happy ending—— for he didn't mean to hurt her, let alone ruin the romance which can be the most beautiful memory in life.
 
但是,女子的反应出乎他的意料。她不仅是惊讶、失望、悲伤,她简直是愤怒了——你怎么是这样的一个人!你怎么可以骗我!他说:我没有骗你呀,我确实爱你的。——那你怎么会要离开我,你怎么忍心让我的爱破碎,你这样做是毁了我的一生,你知道吗? 
But the girl's reaction was out of his expectation. She was not only surprised, disappointed,  heartbroken, but also full of indignation —— how could he be such a person! How could you cheated me!
But the innocent guy said: How could I cheat you, i do really love you.
Argue continue: Then why you want to leave me, how could you be so c
ruel, make our love all broken up, do you know what you do just ruined my whole life, Do You Know????
 
在深深的震惊和痛苦中,他们还是分手了。西方的男子觉得委屈——“她误解了我”,东方的女子觉得绝望——“他骗了我。” 
With deep astonishment and sorrow, they finally chose to break up. The western man felt grievance——"She misunderstood me", while the oriental lady felt desperate——"He lied to me"
 
(not finished, continue tomorrow~~~~~~) 

之所以选择不同文化背景的人来反映一种冲突,是因为这样才有必然性——那不是性格的冲突,也未必是人格。品质的冲突,而是“理想的冲突”。他们都在对方身上寄托了自己的理想,这对他们来说都是合理的。而这理想又如此不同,所以悲剧在所难免。 
 
 

同样的一句“我爱你”,对于东方与西方,也许意义从来是不同的。 
 
当一个东方人说“我爱你”时,不仅是一种表白,更是一种承诺、一种誓言,它表达的是:我现在爱你,将来爱你,永远爱你。我将只爱你一个人,我将和你生活在一起,同甘共苦、白头偕老。 
 
而西方人说“我爱你”时,并没有这些附加的潜台词。那只是表达:我现在爱你,那更多的是表达感情达到了一个怎样的程度,或者此时此刻你在我心目中的地位。 
 
东方人一旦说了“我爱你”(并且对方接受),就是两个人上了一条船,从此风雨同舟、生死与共了。 
 
西方人则始终是两条船,说“我爱你”时,不过是两条船互相吸引,一起驶入一个港湾。此后还是两条船,也许同行一段,也许各自继续原来的航程。 
 
所以,西方人说“我爱你”的时候,在东方人看来如果不是在骗人,就是在宣誓、在求婚。事实上,说的一方常常并不是在撒谎,只是不具备东方人所要求的资格——比如独身,也没有从此承担什么的打算。而东方人对西方人说“我爱你”时,西方人也会高兴、感动,也可能以自己理解的层面来接受。但往往不明白说者需要的决心与勇气,更不明白如果接受,就等于表明了同样的决心和责任。如果西方人真的明白,也许会因其严重性而大惊失色,或者因为无法回报而非常内疚。 

 
 
东方人认为“情”总是要与一定的“义”结合在一起,才牢固可靠,所以婚前是“情义”,婚后是“恩义”。没有下文、不打算天长地久的爱是不真实、不可取的,其含金量也大打折扣。所以,西方人的“我爱你”,东方人往往认为草率、轻浮。 
 
而西方人则认为,感情是顺乎天性的,爱则合,不爱则分,相爱时应该享受爱情的甜蜜而不是考虑责任、道义,那只会破坏当下的感情。像东方人把爱永久化、程式化、道义化,简直是不可理喻。 

 
 
世界上的爱情观大致可以分成两种:东方式的和西方式的。 

 
 
有时,西方人也会持东方式的爱情观。生活里的姑且不说,谢尔顿的小说里就写到一个孤苦的灰姑娘,遇见一个空军军官,两人同居了一段时间。姑娘以为终身有靠,而军官只不过是在度假时放松自已。军官要去执行任务了,临别时他给了姑娘一笔钱,那其实是他给她的“报酬”,但他说得很风雅:“亲爱的,用它去买一件婚纱吧,等我回来时,你就穿上它。”他以为姑娘会用它去安排自己的生活,他根本没有想到她会天真地相信并且苦苦地等待他。结果是多年以后,这个姑娘卧薪尝胆、出人头地了,但也犯下了重罪,终于被枪决了。其实她多年前就死了,在她得知她的心上人早已完成了任务,但没有回到她身边,甚至根本忘了她的时候,她就死了。可见同是西方人,不同的爱情观也会造成悲剧。 


 
2 东、西方爱情观之比较 

 
 
而东方人中的一部分,他们却有着西方式的爱情观。他们看重的是现在,不去想明天如何。他们看重对方的人本身胜过他附加的一切,看重他能带给自己的体验胜过他本身原有的品质。他们不太可能忠诚,也不要求对方忠诚,取代绝对信任、合二为一的是:默契和游戏规则。他们能够把性与爱分开,把性当成一种消费,而把爱当成一种神话。他们爱得潇洒,爱得简单,也爱得虚浮、游移。任何自由都不是没有代价的——他们在抛弃许多传统的重负的同时,也开始品尝到“不能承受之轻”的滋味。 

 
 
看来这个问题是无法以国家、地域、文化来简单划分的。必须根据具体的人来“个案处理”。 

 
 
究竟东方式的爱情观和西方式的爱情观,哪一个更美好、更合理、更合乎人性呢?也许没有人敢妄下断语。 

 
 
应该看到的是,东方式的爱情在自我的约束、自我牺牲的同时,给爱情本身带来了不少杂质。那些道德感、责任感,那些理性的取舍、是非的判断,还有婚后的忍耐、怜悯、温情、体恤,以及对家族利益、社会舆论的重视……从严格意义上讲,这些都应该是纯粹的“爱情”之外的成分。爱里包含了这些,它们对爱而言就是杂质。相对来说,西方式的爱情观就比较纯粹,没有别的目的,甚至不想让他或她来充当自己的配偶,可谓发乎本心、顺乎自然——当然那种唐潢式的到处留情、见色起意除外,因为那不是爱。 

 
 
但是,问题是相对纯净的爱情往往不持久。就像24K的纯金反而不如 18K的那么坚韧一样。人们虽然珍视纯金的价值,但是真正在生活中佩戴的还是18K的金饰。不为别的,恰恰因为除了金的成分,还有不少杂质。初恋一般都很纯净,但常常是脆弱易凋的花朵,更不结果实。还有一些不可能导致婚姻的爱情也是纯净的,适当的距离和无奈的苦涩使它纯净起来,但也是很不稳定的。 
 
而导致婚姻的感情,及其在婚后的延续,都无法滤尽非爱情因素,因而都不是纯净的。但是,两性关系恰恰因为这些杂质而坚韧起来,经得起千磨万锉。 

 
 
所以,适当的杂质存在反而是有好处的。我们毕竟不是生活在理想的真空里。 
 
当然,当这些杂质的含量太高时,爱情也就不成其为爱情。正如杂质成分比含金量高时,就不成其为金子一样。 
 
东方式的爱情观,是比较周密、比较理性也比较辛苦的。它有一种约束中的自由,牺牲中的获得,是会使人感动和敬佩的,有时又让人有些同情。 

 
 
西方式的呢,比较天然、比较冲动也比较轻松。它拥有的是一种生命的活力,和随时准备放弃的及时把握,让人觉得人性的真实和进取,但往深处想又会让人觉得对人的本性有些失望。 

 
 
这个世界,每一天、每一分钟都有人在说“我爱你”,谁知道对说者和听者都意味着什么?这就像一个按钮,一按之后,人生的许多喜剧和悲剧就开始了。 

 
 
此时此刻,是谁在说“我爱你”?

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Comments

 

Wow, give me a few weeks to translate this, then I can comment lol! Anyone better at Chinese care to have a go, Id like to know what the views on Western people say esp!

 

 When talking about something like Love, one should not seperate into East and West!For example you say 当一个东方人说“我爱你”时,不仅是一种表白,更是一种承诺、一种誓言,它表达的是:我现在爱你,将来爱你,永远爱你。我将只爱你一个人,我将和你生活在一起,同甘共苦、白头偕老。 
Why then did an Oriental man tell me he loved me, then lie to me for months, hurt me, and then turn round and tell me when I said I love you, I lied? He said I love you  but to him it meant NOTHING!! He did not love me at all, he had no interntion of loving me forever! He was not prepared to fight through thick and thin for me!
I as a westerner said I love you to him, several times a day and I meant every syllable of it. I still love him. We split up over a year ago but I still feel that promise I made to him to be commited to him in my heart every day! 

Love is not about East and west, Love is about male and female ideals, love is about an individual feeling and an individual way of looking at love, and what love means to each person.

hehe, i'll translate it later~these days a little busy^^  but if with ur help, then it would be so great~~~

i'm sorry to hear that, dear Beth.
firstly i want to say that this article is not written by me, i saw it on the internet, and i guess it's objective.
The author's opinion is quite personal, he meant to explain the difference  between east and west on love. cauz most of people in china get to know foreign cultures just by imagination or tv or movies. but we all know that's unilateral.
 

and i'm also the idea, that not all oriental r loyal and for love, of course not all western r playboy for love. but the difference realy huge, one of my friends once dated with an italian. they have holds hands, kissed, and even have sex...she take it for granted that the man should be responsible for her, and later marry her. but to her surprise, he never says "i love u" to her. oneday, she found out he is dating with another girl.when she asked him, he even said he find they dont matched with each other, had better seperated...it was not an happy ending anyway...we all get very angry! if he doesnt love her, then why did he do such things and hurt her??? i also feel quite wired, cauz he seems not a bad guy, and live in china for 6 years, so he knows our culture quite well.
 

do u know in china, having sex with sb is a serious things, generally speaking, unless they'r very very close or they r bf/gf for a long time or they trust each other so well, they wont do it(except ons^^) .becauz chinese men was educated in their childhood, to be responsible to the girl he loves, if he cant, then dont try it.

but ur my friend's experience have proved it, that's Man and Woman is different, no matter what culture...

hahaha I wished I could understand that xD maybe in 10 years? xD

hah, dont worry, i'll translate them later^^

" love is about an individual feeling and an individual way of looking at love, and what love means to each person" Quite true!  But the Oriental guy you know knew he was lying to you when he said "I love you". Different from him, the hero in this story does think he loves the girl when he says it. I guess in the old days westerners valued individualism much more, so they would make a choice for the sake of their goals, which may make others feel deceived. But as far as I know people in this age, love is more about an individual perspective and value. 

thank you :D hah

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