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Please help my with my essay for ielts! Thanks so much

Dear all friends,

I am going to take an Ielts test at the end of August. I am not confident about my writting skill. Can you help me to check my accadenic essay writing! Thanks a lot!

 

 

Improvement in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the government of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Answer:


The sympathy recently of rich nations to the poorer ones results in authentic actions such as providing financial aids packages and designing voluntary projects in terms of health, education and trade. These assistances remain controversial whether wealthy countries should land the poor ones a hand in such areas. As I shall suppose, in this essay, a part agreement of that statement as following reasons.


To begin with, generally, it is undeniable that health, education and trade are the top pioneering sectors which any rich nations have to concern. Obviously, health –caring services position a vital importance in a nation. As been seen, almost poor countries located in Africa area lack seriously health-caring systems and relevant facilities such as hospital and professional staffs. Consequently, the rate of annual deaths increases due to epidemic diseases. Furthermore, hardly could a nation develop without skilled and talented people, hence the density of educated people decides the prospects of a nation. International trade is still a bridge to connect poor countries to outsiders so that this sector should be supported by foreign organizations as well.


The rich countries, however, provide comprehensive supports via those sectors, which might a giant benefit for the poorer countries, yet harmful to their national development. There are enormous chronic issues on earth such as environmental pollution, national political conflicts that powerful nations need to share their budget on. No sooner could they invest enthusiastically a tremendous amount of money in aids for poorer ones without the financial censorship than their economic would have been put in stake. Additionally, those constant supports from rich nations form a dependence trait in poor ones. As a result, poor nations would not ever step out of the threshold of miserable picture.


By way of conclusion, rich government should shoulder the accountability of helping poor nations in health, education and trade sectors. Nevertheless, their aids should be applied in a wise and effective ways which sway and better living conditions of penniless countries.

 

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Comments

I cannot agree that all wealthy nations are supposed to offer financial support in trading without any prerequisite . Nevertheless , I am totally convinced that those richest countries can do more in several public issues such as  health , education or refugee problems . 

 

sorry is it a complete sentence ?

. Obviously, health –caring services position a vital importance in a nation

 

It is plain to see that health care system plays a key role in national security. If the health care system is not well established , international society could be heavily implicated without any exemption . Like SARS prevailing around 10 years ago ,the WHO is also keeping alert during epidemic period although epidemic cases were reported in some specific countries  .

 

Thanks Allen,

Well, I think position( it means : place ) is a verb in this sentence:Obviously, health –caring services position a vital importance in a nation.Furthermore, in my essay, I do believe that trading support from the rich countries may help poorer ones.Initially, I mentioned 2 factors( health, education) also:)

Ya . what I wrote is nothing less than my opinion . In term of your belief or mine , I consider examiners would not scan or screen your personal opinions or inclination  . you might ignore what I wrote .  I just want to challenge my writing  by your question .

hi, thanks Allen again for ur suggestion referred in your answer!

I will try to colour my idea ^^! 

This my wording , never mind , I just want to practice

 

As far as I know , most poor countries in Africa are highly shortage of public health facilities and their  sanitary staff are not well trained and in insufficiency. 

 

Place this under Notebook, that is where most people will correct your writings.

 

Discussion is for speaking about topics.

 

In terms of those poor countries, they do not have to pay to obtain assistance from foreign countries , accordingly , some of their citizens are liable to take it as granted for such international support . That could hamstring their ambition to make any progress to confront future orderals .

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