By creating an account, you agree to our terms of service.
Show previous comments
Please enter between 0 and 2000 characters.
yYou need to learn it!
The nature of many battles in named life is securing my sides [a better way to say this would be to say 'is understanding who is on my side']. The problem in this is stupidly confusing who will be my friends. The first start is the question of [you should probably rephrase this to say 'It starts with the question of'] “Am I on ‘my side’?” or “Am I being my friend?” As you know, Wwe are foolish enough to devour beyond the amount of hunger in the brain [I understand why you said 'in the brain', but it would be much more natural to either say 'more food than we are hungry for' or 'devour beyond what we psychologically percieve as hunger', if you want to use a bigger, more complicated phrase^^] and gain weight by ourselves. That’s a kind of betrayal. We are sure not to be deceived [remember to keep your points in order. Talk about being afraid of deception first, then your example that we can decieve ourselves next. This just felt a little out of place, that's all. Or perhaps you meant something different and I missed it.^^;;]. Are our myparents and our my siblings ‘on my side’? Without having an inch of doubt, confirming their identity as on my side is the start of the problem. There is nothing reasonable to see ourmy [since you are using 'I' you would use 'my' for something you posess instead of 'our'. I know this is weird because I believe I've heard Koreans say '우리' for their parents, children, other things, etc, but in English we always use just a singular 'my' (which I think would be 나의 in Korean) with 'I' when we posess something] parents as on my side given that I could betray the fact that I am steadfastly beside myself [are you saying you betray yourself by doing things in excess? Then you should state that here, to make the meaning a little clearer for the reader]. If you keep the premise that hasving been put on you by your parents, of course they will be on your my side. But the breaking of that premise will made make you walk alone along the in life. You need to be aware of the hidden premise.
This is a good essay, but just a bit confusing because of your wording. Your posessive pronouns (our, my, your) also didn't always match each other in the same sentence. I hope I understood what you meant properly. If not, I'm really sorry. ^^;; Also, my Korean isn't very good, so I may be wrong about what I said concerning the possessive pronouns.
The essay has some excellent phrasing, combined with some confusing statements.
It appears that what you want to write about, is whether or not your family is On---Your----Side or supportive, and whether or not you are On---their---Side or supportive of them. Is that correct?
you need to learn it!
The nature of many battles named life is securing my sides.
[The opening sentence is not entirely clear. When you write "securing my sides" does this mean determining and knowing who your friends and supporters are? If so, you might write that message something like this]:
"The nature of Life is that it is competitive, like a battle or series of battle or conflicts, in which it is essential to know who one's allies and friends are."
The problem in this is stupidly confusing who will be my friends.
[You might write it this way.]
"The problem is that it is confusing, as to who will be my friends in Life's battles."
The first start is the question of “Am I ‘my side’?” or “Am I being my friend?”
[This reads in a confused manner. It would naturally be assumed that you are on your own side, and your own friend. However, maybe you wanted to write about the possiblity of conflict within yourself, and to show that you might even be what is commonly referred to as Your---Own---Worst---Enemy. There are people like that you know, who are destructive to themselves, and who have learned to be overly critical of their very being. Such attitudes are to be avoided.]
"As you know, We are fooled enough to devour beyond the amount of hunger in the brain and gain weight by ourselves. That’s a kind of betrayal. We are sure not to be deceived."
[Those sentences are all confused as to their meaning. We do fool ourselves, without question, that is sometimes the case. I think you are talking about eating food even after our hunger has been satisfied, and because of that, we gain weight?
It seems awkward to write that hunger is in the brain.
We do not put food In--the---Brain, you see?
I don't want to correct this further, as it is quite long. You need to improve the first sentences, and then we can see if what comes later, requires improvement.
Please make some changes in your opening sentences, okay? It is a good effort on your part, but possibly too complex. You might need to do this in about, 3 different paragraphs. Don't take on too much at one time. Go easy.---Warm Regards, Bruce]
Are our parents and our siblings ‘my side’? Without having an inch of doubt, confirming their identity as my side is the start of the problem. There is nothing reasonable to see our parents as my side given that I could betray the fact that I am steadfastly beside myself. If you keep the premise having been put on you by our parents, of course they will be my side. But the breaking of that premise made you walk alone along the life. You need to be aware of the hidden premise.
Please enter between 25 and 8000 characters.