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lüürika - kas see on korras?

'tähtede vahel ma lendan
kosmose läbi ja lõpupoole universumi.
mitte midagi avastada,
pole valu ega kurbus
pole kuumus ega külmetus
ma olen aegade lõpuni jõudnud.'

see laulutekst on ambienti muusika jaoks. kas see kõlab hästi, või peaks ma seda parandama? tänan ette!

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    Corrections

    Hi,

     

    If you can add example english version of this, then I could be sure what was the point you wanna say :)

    I assume you meant...

    I fly between stars
    thru space until the end of universe
    nothing to discover
    ain't pain nor sadness
    ain't heat nor coldness
    I have arrived to the end of times'

    ***
    Then the estonian version would be:

     

    Tähtede vahel ma lendan

    Läbi kosmose kuni unversumi lõpuni

    Mitte midagi avastada

    Ei ole valu ega kurbus

    Ei ole kuumus ega külmus

    Olen jõudnud aegade lõppu

    ***

    It sounds better in english...I guess direct translations are not always good, then you should change a little the words trying to maintain the point :) But songs and poems are always high challenge in forgeign language ;) Good luck!

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