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a beautiful woman

Don't doubt your eyes, the beautiful lady looks young in fact she’s 42 years old is the CEO of The wing café.Maybe you have already seen her from Just For You, a job kind program. Her name is Yin Feng.With acute business vision , clinging enterprising spirit ,original management talent and strength of charater, she strives to create The wing café to be an influential and famous western style food culture brand.We major in the same subject.I want to be a woman like her one day.

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    a beautiful woman

    Don't doubt your eyes, while this the beautiful lady looks young, she is actually the in fact she’s 42-year-old is the CEO of The Wing Café. Maybe you have already seen her from Just For You, a type of job kind program. Maybe be more specific here. Her name is Yin Feng. With an acute business vision, clinging enterprising spirit, original management talent and strength of charater, she strives for to create The Wing Café to eventually become an influential and famous western style food culture brand. We major in the same subject. (or "I major in the same subject as her.") I want to be a woman like her one day.

    Not just another beautiful woman.

    Don't doubt your eyes. The lady in this picture is beautiful, but also is the 42-year old CEO of The Wing Cafe. Maybe you've seen her in the job program Just For You. Her name is Yin Feng. Her acute business vision, enterprising spirit, and orginal management talent may someday help The Wing Cafe become a famous, western-style restaurant. Yin Feng and I majored in the same subject in college, and I aspire to be a woman like her one day.

     

    (This was a good attempt but here's some advice:

    1. Avoid using passive sentence structures (i.e. "With acute..."). It will help you explain the story in more detail, and break your descriptive adjectives into more manageable sections.

    2. Avoid overly lengthy descriptions (i.e. acute, enterprising, management talent, strength of charater). You should use three adjectives at maximum.

    3. Include a bit more background information about the subjects of the entry. (i.e. What is the significance of "Just For You"? Is this a big or small company?) It will help your readers understand the significance of Miss Feng's talents and goals.) =D

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