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An English essay about crime

[TOPIC]Some people think all lawbreakers should be taken in to prison, others believe that there are better alternatives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
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This is my answer in response to a recent English academic writing exam. Some points may be too simple, anyway, just focus on the language.
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[ANSWER]
Some individuals believe that all criminals need to be put into jail, others, however, argue that better choices can be used. I tend to agree with the latter with some supplements.

For thousands of years, prison has played a pivotal role in human history as a tool of punishment. To a large extend, prison has frightened and curb crime rates by depriving lawbreakers’ freedom.

However, prison has its own shortcomings as a way of legal penalty. Firstly, running a poison that accommodates thousands of inmates spends a considerable amount of government budget, which could have been used for other pressing issues in the society, like education and medical care. Furthermore, imprisonment is not always an effective way for criminal reform. Especially for some repeat offenders, prison is far from the destination in their crime lives.

Therefore, I suggest that some other alternatives could also be adopted by the government. For example, according to some statistics, a large percentage of lawbreakers committed crimes fundamentally due to lack of proper education in their young ages. As a result, by attending educational and training courses provided, offenders can learn more about the consequences of breaking law or be qualified to find jobs that can support their living. Another way is to oraganise some inmates to involve in community activities and charity jobs, which can help them realize the pleasure of socializing and helping others. I believe both are useful methods to help offenders become good citizens.

To sum up, I would argue that prison is not the only way for criminal reformation. To achieve a better result, it should be combined with other educational approaches.

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    Corrections

    Therefore, I suggest that some other [You have not suggested an alternative yet] alternatives could also that can be adopted by the relevant authorities. government. For example, according to some statistics, a large percentage of lawbreakers committed crimes offenders fundamentally is due to the lack of proper education when growing up. in their young ages . As a result, by attending educational and training courses provided, offenders can learn more about the consequences of breaking law or be qualified to find jobs that can support their living. Education is the preventive key for the young and job re-training courses for adults to seek gainful employment is the solution.   Another way is to oraganise some Hardcore criminals or not, make then get inmates to involve in with community activities and charity jobs, which so as to can help them realize what it is to be like in the pleasure of socializing and helping others. I believe both are useful these methods to will help offenders to become them realize the error of their ways and regain good citizens status again.

    To sum up, I would argue believe that throwing people in that prisons to let them rot is not the sole solution. only way for criminal reformation. Criminal reform must take into account of education and rehabilitation before the system can succeed in its goal. To achieve a better result, it should be combined with other educational approaches. The goal of prisons is to sequest societal dangerous elements from being a harm to society.  Reducate them into law bidding citizens again.  The old fashion idea of a deterrent to commit future crime no longer holds true for today's society.  [I write this as a concluding statement because if things go unchecked, when I become old and have serious medical problem, I will commit serious crime to be thrown in prison!  This is because in California, the state has to all medical help to the inmates!]

    Some individuals believe that all criminals need to be put into jail, others, however, argue that better choices can be used*1. I tend to agree with the latter with some supplements*2.


    For thousands of years, prison has played a pivotal role in human history as a tool of punishment. To a large extent, prison has frightened*3 and curbed crime rates by depriving lawbreakers’ freedom.

    However, prison has its own shortcomings as a way of legal penalty. Firstly, running a prison that accommodates thousands of inmates spends*4 a considerable amount of government budget, which could have been used for other pressing issues in the society, like education and medical care. Furthermore, imprisonment is not always an effective way for criminal reform. Especially for some repeat offenders, prison is far from the destination*5 in their crime lives.

    Therefore, I suggest that some other alternatives could also be adopted by the government. For example, according to some statistics, a large percentage of lawbreakers committed*6 crimes fundamentally due to lack of proper education in their young ages. As a result, by attending educational and training courses provided, offenders can learn more about the consequences of breaking the law or be qualified to find jobs that can support their living. Another way is to oraganise some inmates to get involved in community activities and charity jobs, which can help them realize the pleasure of socializing and helping others. I believe both are useful methods to help offenders become good citizens.

    To sum up, I would argue that prison is not the only way for criminal reformation. To achieve a better result, it should be combined with other educational approaches.

     

    Overall - very impressive!

    *1 : Made would probably be a better word here.

    *2 : Supplements isn't the right word here either. Perhaps 'specific suggestions'? or  rephrase it?

    *3 : Again not the right word. Frightened who? And frightening someone does't necessarily actually affect anyones behaviour or have specific outcomes, which is what you are talking about.

    *4 : Perhaps wastes?

    *5 : Destination is not the right word. It actually is their destination, since that is where they end up!

    *6 : Presumably they still are, so should be present tense.

     

    However, prisons has its have their own shortcomings as a way of legal penalty [画蛇添足]. Firstly, running a poison that accommodates thousands of inmates spends a considerable amount of government budget, or all, consider the high cost of running and maintaining prisons. [Write simply and concisely of what you want to say.] which could have been These funds can be used for other pressing issues in needs for the society, like such as education and medical care. [Long sentences are not always good, unless you know how to use them effectively.] Furthermore, [Don't use such terms, in essays like this.  They sound too pompous and legalistic.  Just state your opinion in an unbaised manner and people will tend to listen to you.] Imprisonment is not always an effective way anwser to the problem. for criminal reform [It is the problem that is not working that causes the reform and not the other way around.]. This is especially so for some repeat offenders. The scare factor no longer applies to them.  prison is far from the destination in their crime lives. [I don't understand what you wrote but I am guessing.]

    An English Essay about on Crime [Capitalize all significant words in a title]

     

    [TOPIC] Some people think all lawbreakers should be taken thrown in to prison; others believe that there are better alternatives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


    This is my answer in response my essay to a recent English academic writing exam. Some points may be too simple, anyway, just focus on the language. [Not wrong but sounds impolite.] My opinions are irrelevant but please show me how to write, express better.

     

    [ANSWER] My essay [There is no such thing as a correct answer or not.  This is your opinion in a written essay.  So it is better to write as such]

     

    Some individuals believe that all criminals need to be put into sent to [or "thrown into".  These expressions are more natural] jail, others, however, argue that there are better choices can be used. I tend to agree with the latter group.  with some supplements. [I don't understand "supplement" here.  So I'm guessing.  Write in Chinese if you want a better correction.]


    For thousands of years In time immemorial [or "Since the beginning of time". Nothing wrong with what you wrote but it sounds too exaggerated to me.  Just a personal preference.  I'm correcting this way to give you alternatives to choose from.  You don't have to use mine.], prison has played a pivotal role in human history as a tool of for punishment. To a large extent, prisons are used as a deterent  has frightened and curb crime rates to prevent future unlawful actions by depriving the lawbreakers’ freedom of lawbreakers.

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