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The Convenience Store Robbery

THE CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY


I went to the convenience store at the gas station to buy some chocolats. I was choosing a few M&M's and three bars of Snickers when I saw this guy stopping his motorcycle in front of the store. He did not take off his helmet and came inside. In that moment I already knew what was about to happen. He take a gun out of his jacket's pocket and said "Everybody down! This is a robbery! I want you to lie down and take the cellphones and the money out of your pockets. And purses, ladies… and purses." Then, he pointed his gun at the cashier and said: "Hey, you. I know the safe isn't locked. Go back there and bring me at least 5000 reais or the things are going to be sad. And do not think about calling the police or you will find out what it is like have a bullet on the brain." The cashier went inside the facilities and left the robber with us. The bandit rounded the store collecting the people's phones and money. From me he took 45 reais and an iPhone which I was paying on 24 monthly-payments. I became really mad. The cashier got back and delivered to the robber a bag full of money. For what I could see, that was much more money then just five thousand reais.

The bandit threw the phones and the money inside the bag, went outside and climbed up his motorcycle. He turned it up and went to the street. What comes next is the coolest part. When he was crossing the corner a police car come up and drove over him in his sideways. He got a broken arm but he didn't even passed out due to the hit.

A pedestrian was walking by when he saw the robbery through the vitrine and immediately called the police. All people recovery their objects but the money was mysteriously lost. I was happy for had my iPhone back. I went back to work and later on to my house, but a question kept hitting my mind since the robbery. A phrase that robber has said: "I know the safe isn't lock". Why he did knew that?

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    I went to the convenience store at the gas station to buy some chocolates. I was (1) choosing picking a few M&M's and (2) a few three bars of Snickers bars when I saw this guy stopping his motorcycle in front of the store. He did not take off his helmet and came inside. In that moment I already knew what was about to happen. He (3) take took a gun out of his jacket's pocket and said "Everybody down! This is a robbery! I want you to lie down and take the cellphones and the money out of your pockets. And purses, ladies… and purses." Then, he pointed his gun at the cashier and said: "Hey, you. I know the safe isn't locked. Go back there and bring me at least 5000 reais or the things are going to be sad (4) . And and do not think about calling the police or you will find out what it is like have a bullet on the brain." The cashier went inside the facilities and left the robber with us. The bandit (5) rounded walked around the store collecting the people's phones and money. From me he took 45 reais and an iPhone which I was (6) paying on 24 monthly-payments still paying off. I(7)  became was really mad. The cashier (7) got came back and delivered to the robber a bag full of money. (8)  For From what I could see, (9)that it was much more money then just five thousand reais. 


    The bandit threw the phones and the money inside the bag, went outside and climbed (10) up on his motorcycle. He turned it (11) up and went to the street. What comes next is the coolest part. When he was crossing the corner a police car come up and drove over him (12) in his sideways broadside. He got a broken arm but he didn't even passed out (13)  due to from the hit.

    A pedestrian was walking by when he saw the robbery through the (14) vitrine shop window and immediately called the police. All (15) the people recovery recovered their objects but the money was mysteriously lost. I was happy(16)  for had to have my iPhone back. I went back to work and later on to my house, but a question kept(17) hitting my mind since the robbery nagging me. A phrase that The robber has said: "I know the safe isn't lock". (18)Why How did  he did knew know that?

    Overall the thing is that you need to keep the same tense in your story, either tell it in the present tense or the past tense but not both.

     

    Comment: the clerk had the information about the status of the safe, came back rather than ducking out the back and calling the cops, and handed over more than 5000 reals.

    1) This phrase is not wrong but I would say I was picking up a package of M&Ms and a few Snickers bars...

    2) see above

    3) Stick with one verb tense, I chose the past tense.

    4) The rules are relaxing but do not start a sentence with "and"

    5) rounded suggests turned or pivoted, rather than taking steps and picking up the money and phones

    6) just say it was not paid off.  Since we are on the subject of credit, by the time you pay off the iPhone model you have Steve Jobs will have resurrected and come out with the iPhone 7.

    7) Came is better got implies "to have or to possess"

    8) Word choice, from is better

    9) You can often forget "that" in English, but you need to use the pronoun.

    10) preposition choice, sounds wrong

    11) preposition choice, sounds wrong

    12) hit him sideways or broadside

    13) preposition choice, okay

    14) vitrine, nobody uses this word.  Shop window or glass

    15) just sounds better

    16) simple past is a enough since you started out the sentence with "was happy" you can switch to present tense.

    17) This is present tense because it is on going rather than stopped after the robbery.  English does not have an imperfect tense so instead we rely on syntax.

    18) Again unresolved question possible current question can use present tense.

    19) In English there is a guideline and a rule with regard to real.  The guideline is that English often adopts the spelling and the foreign word but there is often not a radical spelling change with plural versus singular.  This is a long way of saying that some folks my not understand the police "found" more than one real after they hit the robber, but found several thousand reals.

     

    The Convenience Store Robbery

    THE CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY


    I went to the convenience store at the gas station to buy some chocolates. I was choosing a few M&M's and three bars of Snickers when I saw this guy stopping his motorcycle in front of the store. He did not take off his helmet and came inside. In that moment I already knew what was about to happen. He take took a gun out of his jacket's pocket and said "Everybody down! This is a robbery! I want you to lie down and take the cellphones and the money out of your pockets. And purses, ladies… and purses." Then, he pointed his gun at the cashier and said: "Hey, you. I know the safe isn't locked. Go back there and bring me at least 5000 reais or the things are going to be sad bad. And do not think about calling the police or you will find out what it is like have a bullet on the brain." The cashier went inside the facilities and left the robber with us. The bandit rounded the store collecting the people's phones and money. From me he took 45 reais and an iPhone which I was paying on 24 monthly-payments. I became was really mad. The cashier got back and delivered to gave the robber a bag full of money. For From what I could see, that was much more money thaen just five thousand reais.

    The bandit threw the phones and the money inside the bag, went outside and climbed up got on his motorcycle. He turned it on up and went to the street. What comes next is the coolest part. When he was crossing the corner a police car coame up and drove into the side of him (I think this is what you mean?!) over him in his sideways. His arm was broken He got a broken arm but he didn't even passed out due to the collision hit.

    A pedestrian was walking by when he saw the robbery through the vitrine ??? and immediately called the police. All people Everybody recoveredy their posessions objects but the money was mysteriously lost. I was happy because I for had got my iPhone back. I went back to work and later on to my house, but a question kept hitting my mind since the robbery. A phrase theat robber has said: "I know the safe isn't locked". Why he did knoew that?

     

    That's a crazy story! Glad you got your iPhone back!

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