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「北加,才一次感情」("norcal, Just a Feeling") 第二妄图

 

我再次试试看能否把英文诗歌所带来的一些含义与比喻融入中文。这次句子太长我不管。nuance也不管。如果你不不懂抽象歌词(像“卡奇社”或“魏如萱”的),或者碎片性不完整的短句的话,你不闹了,就算了。

难道原来日文可能比中文对外国人学语言容易很多,虽然我日语学得很轻松,从没有尽过什么力。以后可能改关注点到日方,至少给日语努力我对汉语所尽的一半。

为了查阅,英文的原版版在下头。欢迎建设性的批评(对中文的翻译。如果对英文版有糊涂的地方,我会解释)。

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「北加,才一场感情」

几百万小小魂灵,在纯粹夏天才出现。
无一名能活下去,但还在心中都下去。

创意的意思,原因?罢了。
练演是伪造的,却好完美。
这练习爱,是否天意,天来的,
其穿麦田景色,弯曲着漫游着。
两人先锋开路,到处都小天地。
大自然的内涵,开路者美化着。

山景如波浪,林木下影子;
赢了妳天下,此刻就收获。
蔓延如地图,妳躺着等待;
天真而偏偏期待着,为啥。。
为坚定的山脉,为不移的真爱,
由一时的剧本,与冲动的经文,
双方上当,爱的当,就爱上。

人意图个路程,从A点到B,
但生命之甜:路上金黄而已。

墨水与地图。晒黑,我背上。
地球的经线沿摹妳,穿过妳。

当天环行全世界,
此世界-咱都垮光,
那次不变更
而永长情会。

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[norcal, Just a Feeling]

Million something little souls, through simple summer manifest. And none could live to see the day, but still they live inside you. Creation, just the sake, recital; fake and yet so right. This practice love so god-intended, weaved through fields of rye. The waving hills, wood shade, and sun; took all the nature I had won. Sprawled out map, spread map in wait, naive yet still and waiting. For unmoving truth and mountains, took the script and scripture improvised. One plots a course, just A to B, but life is unknown gold between. Ink and map, sun on my back, meridians trace, pass through you. We traveled round the world that day, one last and everlong tryst.

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8 comments

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    Congratulations, this version is much, much better than the original. And let me hasten to add that you have an extraordinary gift for taking the prosaic and spinning it into poetic gold. I love the way you write.

     

    I have some thoughts on your new Chinese translation. As a native speaker of both English and Chinese and an admirer of great literature, I think you have attained a level of Chinese proficiency that is truly astounding. Poetry, however, is such a difficult thing to translate. What sounds poetic in one language, even if translated 100% correctly and grammatically into another language, may sound pedantic and even bizarre. Take, for example, the last line that Jean Valjean sings from Les Miserables, "to love another is to touch the face of God." What a beautiful line this is in English. But if you translate it correctly and literally into Chinese, it sounds odd, blasphemous, and perhaps even sexually perverse - 愛另一個人是摸神的臉 - It just doesn't work.

     

    With this thought in mind, and with nothing but the utmost respect for your language skills, may I try to describe how some of the verses sound to my Taiwanese ears?

     

    当天环行全世界, 此世界-咱都垮光, 那次不变更 而永长情会。

    It sounds like "that day (we) circumnavigated the world;  that world - we crushed all over it - that time it doesn't change - and yet forever rendez-vous."

     

    由一时的剧本,与冲动的经文, 双方上当,爱的当,就爱上。

    "From a temporary script, and an impulsive scripture, both got scammed by love, love's scam, therefore they love."

     

    但生命之甜:路上金黄而已。

    "But life's sweetness, 'tis but (nuggets of) gold on the road"

     

    You have extraordinary potential and obviously work quite hard to master Chinese. Please don't let others' unkind words destroy your faith in yourself. I hope that what I write here helps explain some of the comments that were elicited... While there are definitely pearls of beauty in the rough in your translation, at times it sounds like an odd mixture of poetry, overly familiar colloquial expressions and some grammatical peculiarities.

     

    Please continue to post! I'm sure you will improve by leaps and bounds as you continue forward.

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