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Congratulations, this version is much, much better than the original. And let me hasten to add that you have an extraordinary gift for taking the prosaic and spinning it into poetic gold. I love the way you write.
I have some thoughts on your new Chinese translation. As a native speaker of both English and Chinese and an admirer of great literature, I think you have attained a level of Chinese proficiency that is truly astounding. Poetry, however, is such a difficult thing to translate. What sounds poetic in one language, even if translated 100% correctly and grammatically into another language, may sound pedantic and even bizarre. Take, for example, the last line that Jean Valjean sings from Les Miserables, "to love another is to touch the face of God." What a beautiful line this is in English. But if you translate it correctly and literally into Chinese, it sounds odd, blasphemous, and perhaps even sexually perverse - 愛另一個人是摸神的臉 - It just doesn't work.
With this thought in mind, and with nothing but the utmost respect for your language skills, may I try to describe how some of the verses sound to my Taiwanese ears?
当天环行全世界， 此世界－咱都垮光， 那次不变更 而永长情会。
It sounds like "that day (we) circumnavigated the world; that world - we crushed all over it - that time it doesn't change - and yet forever rendez-vous."
"From a temporary script, and an impulsive scripture, both got scammed by love, love's scam, therefore they love."
"But life's sweetness, 'tis but (nuggets of) gold on the road"
You have extraordinary potential and obviously work quite hard to master Chinese. Please don't let others' unkind words destroy your faith in yourself. I hope that what I write here helps explain some of the comments that were elicited... While there are definitely pearls of beauty in the rough in your translation, at times it sounds like an odd mixture of poetry, overly familiar colloquial expressions and some grammatical peculiarities.
Please continue to post! I'm sure you will improve by leaps and bounds as you continue forward.
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