Site Feedback

I am bored, so I wrote a story.

I will always remember the day I visited old house by the sea. I was walking trough the beach when I realized I went too far. I wanted to get back but than I saw an old house with broken windows and almost without roof. I came closer to the house and when I was sure it was empty I came into it.There was just one chair and a hand mirror on it. Spiders were everywhere , I saw rats too but I couldn't run - I could hardly move. Something strange was happening to me that I couldn't explain. I only heard the sea and the wind. I took the hand mirror and looked at it. At first I saw me, of course but then my face in the mirror was changing slowly. I saw in the mirror a woman different from me but in a strange way we were the same. The biggest difference was that she was much older. I was very scared, I dropped the mirror and run away.
When I came near the cliffs I heard someone was calling my name, but the wind was strong and I couldn't here well. Then I saw an old man sitting on the rock. Something in his face made me trust him. I wasn't afraid anymore. I sat next to him. He wasn't surprised - like he was waiting for me. I told him what happened to me, he was listening but I had feeling he had already known everything.
When I finished he told me a story about the women who was the most beautiful in that town. She fell in love in some young man who broke her heart because he saw only her beauty instand of her personality. He was just like the others. She left the town and for the rest of her life she had been living in small house by the sea with only one thing she hated the most. The thing that had been showing her why she lost her happiness. The mirror.
But the story tells that there was one man who loved her, not only for her beauty. That man for the rest of his life had been sitting on the cllifs and crying for his lost love.

What do you think?

Share:

 

5 comments

    Please enter between 0 and 2000 characters.

     

    Corrections

    When I finished, he told me a story about the woman of that house.  who She was the most beautiful in that town. She fell in love in some young man who broke her heart. because he saw only He care nothing of her other than her beauty instand of her personality. He was just like the others. She left the town and for the rest of her life she had been living lived in that small house by the sea with only the one thing she hated the most. That something to remind her the loss of her happiness in life.The thing that had been showing her why she lost her happiness. The mirror. [No need to be explicit.  We can surmise from the story that the thing she hated most was the mirror]


    But the story tells that Little did she know that there was one man who truly lovesd her. not only for her beauty. That This man for the rest of his life who has been sitting on by the cllifs and crying for his lost love. in eternal sorrow for his loss.


    What do you think?

     

    Excellent storyline.  I think you should be bored all the time!  Such great ideas.  You need to get your tenses mastered and use mixed tenses to convey an even more compelling story.  Great job!  I am sure your Serbian version will be most excellent.

    I am bored, so I wrote a story.

    I will always remember the day I visited an old house by the sea. I was walking along the beach when I realized I went too far. I wanted to get back but I saw an old house with broken windows and almost without a roof. I came closer to the house and, when I was sure it was empty, I went in. There was just one chair with a hand mirror on it. Spiders were everywhere. I saw rats too but I couldn't run. I could hardly move. Something strange happened to me that I can't explain. I only heard the sea and the wind. I took the hand mirror and looked at it. At first I saw me, of course, but then my face in the mirror changed slowly. I saw in the mirror a woman different from me but, in a strange way, we were the same. The biggest difference was that she was much older. I was very scared. I dropped the mirror and ran away.
    When I came near the cliffs, I heard someone calling my name, but the wind was strong and I couldn't hear well. Then, I saw an old man sitting on the rock. Something in his face made me trust him. I wasn't afraid anymore. I sat next to him. He wasn't surprised; like he was waiting for me. I told him what happened to me. He listened but I had feeling he had already knew everything.
    When I finished, he told me a story about the most beautiful woman in that town. She fell in love with a young man who broke her heart because he saw only her beauty and not her personality. He was just like the others. She left the town and spent the rest of her life living in small house by the sea with the one thing she hated the most. The thing that had been showing her why she lost her happiness. The mirror.
    However, there was one man who loved her, not only for her beauty. That man spent the rest of his life sitting on the cliffs and crying for his lost love.

    What do you think?

     The biggest greatest difference was our age.  that she was much older woman than I am. I was very scared, and I dropped the mirror. and I ran far from this place. away


    When As I came neared the cliffs, I heard someone was calling my name. but The wind was strong and I could not here hear well. Then I saw an old man sitting on the rock... Something in his face made told me to have trust in him. I wasn't afraid anymore No longer was I afraid. [Nothing wrong with what you wrote.  However, the same pattern is rather boring by now.  So vary it.  Remember you are writing a creative piece, a story to excite and make your reader be part of the scene.] I sat next to him. He wasn't surprised.  It was as if like he was waiting for me. I related to  told him what all that had happened to me. He was listening listened but I had feeling he had already known my story everything.

    I am bored, so I wrote a story.

     

    I will always remember the day [when] I visited the old house by the sea. I was walking through the beach when I realized that I went too far. I wanted to get back but then I saw an old house with broken windows and almost without the roof is almost gone [you can also use "was".  The differences in meaning are subtle]. I came closer to the house and when I was sure that it was empty upon entering [or "my entry"]  I came into it.__There was just one chair. [dramatic pause] and A hand mirror resting on it. Spiders were everywhere. , I saw espied some rats too but I couldn't run - I was transfixed could hardly move. Something strange was happening to me that I couldn't cannot explain. I only heard the sea and the wind. I took picked up the hand mirror and looked at gazed into it. Of course, at first what I saw was me. of course but Then my the face in the mirror was changing slowly began to morph. In it, I saw in the mirror was another woman. different from me Yes, it was a stranger but in a strange way we were the one and the same...

    Write a correction

    Please enter between 25 and 8000 characters.

     

    More notebook entries written in English

    Show More