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Daniel Inouye Pearl Harbor bio (part 1), 中文翻译. ( 在锻炼汉语语法! 我的汉语很差,需要帮助 :D )

 

[我的写作能力太差,所以我我想可能翻译别人的作品会更有意思。:D 我想试试保存这原单副本的盛传和用地道中文语法和词汇。请不要以为你需要修改整个这文章!And if you don't know who Daniel Inouye is: http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E4%B8%B9%E5%B0%BC%E7%88%BE%C2%B7%E4%BA%95%E4%B8%8A ]

Part 1, English:
“PAPA!” I CALLED, THEN FROZE into immobility, my fingers clutching that [radio] button. I could feel blood hammering against my temple, and behind it an unspoken protest, like a prayer – It’s not true! It is a test, or a mistake! It can’t be true! — but somewhere in the core of my being I knew that all my world was crumbling as I stood motionless in that little bedroom and listened to the disembodied voice of doom.
Now my father was standing in the doorway listening, caught by that special horror instantly sensed by Americans of Japanese descent as the nightmare began to unfold…
“Come outside!” my father said to me, and I plunged through the door after him…

第一部分,中文:
"爸!” 我喊,然后被恐惧吓的动不了, 手指还在紧抓那个[单选]按钮。我能感觉到血在我鬓角后拼命流,和疼痛后一个说不出的抗议, 像个祈求 – 这肯定不正确!这是个测试,或者一个差错! –但是我心里已经明白我整个世界在崩溃直到我在那小卧室里一动不动的占和聆听那个无形, 充满厄运的语音。
现在我父亲站在门口里听,被那特别的恐怖抓走 (“而去”?),那恶梦一开始日裔美国人就感觉到的恐怖······
“快出来!” 我爸跟我说,和我猛穿通大门跟他走······


Version with explanation:
"爸!” 我喊,然后被恐惧吓的动不了(“吓成雕像”?跟像恐“恐惧”,不太像 “害怕”), 手指还在紧抓那个[单选]按钮。我能感觉到血在我鬓角后拼命流,和疼痛后一个说不出的抗议, 像个祈求 – 这肯定不正确!这是个测试,或者一个差错! –但是我心里已经明白我整个世界在崩溃直到我在那小卧室里一动不动的占和聆听那个无形[我想表示“没有身体的”。中文有这个词么?], 充满厄运的语音。
现在我父亲站在门口里听,被那特别的恐怖抓走 (“而去”?),那恶梦一开始日裔美国人就感觉到的恐怖······
“快出来!” 我爸跟我说,和我猛穿通大门[想表达应力的感觉,他在进入冒险的感觉]跟他走······

[感谢你的帮助! 我非常需要!]

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    Corrections

    My version...  Thanks for the mental exercise :)


    Part 1, English: 

    “PAPA!” I CALLED, "爸爸!" 我大叫.

    THEN FROZE into immobility, 就愣得[冰凝]不能动了,

    my fingers clutching that [radio] button. 我的手指仍在紧紧地抓着那[收音机的]按钮

    I could feel blood hammering against my temple, 我感覺到血氣冲到太陽穴上,

    and behind it an unspoken protest, 背後來了一个無音之抗議,

    like a prayer – It’s not true! 又是祷告一似 - 都是全假的, 全無是真!

    It is a test, 当然是一場測试,

    or a mistake! 一場誤会吧!

    It can’t be true! — 不可能是真的!

    but somewhere in the core of my being 在我內衷一处

    I knew that all my world was crumbling 已知道我的世界將化為烏有,

    as I stood motionless in that little bedroom and listened to the disembodied voice of doom.

    而我在那小小間的睡房中, 悄悄無动力地听着那無/身/形/殒灭之声
    Now my father was standing in the doorway listening, 父親正在房门站着,

    caught by that special horror instantly sensed by Americans of Japanese descent as the nightmare began to unfold… 美國日裔瞬时 /偵測/意会/ 到 那独於他们的恐怖被抓住, 噩夢由此 /开幕/开展/开演/ 了.


    “Come outside!” [快]出來!

    my father said to me, 父親喊着我,

    and I plunged through the door after him… 跟着他影子, 我/馬上/立刻/ 从门/衝/追/ 出...


    Daniel Inouye Pearl Harbor bio (part 1), 中文翻译. ( 在锻炼汉语语法! 我的汉语很差,需要帮助 :D )

    [我的写作能力太差,所以我我想可能翻译别人的作品会更有意思。:D 我想试试保存这原单副本的盛传和用地道中文语法和词汇。请不要以为你需要修改整个这文章!And if you don't know who Daniel Inouye is: http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E4%B8%B9%E5%B0%BC%E7%88%BE%C2%B7%E4%BA%95%E4%B8%8A ]

    Part 1, English:
    “PAPA!” I CALLED, THEN FROZE into immobility, my fingers clutching that [radio] button. I could feel blood hammering against my temple, and behind it an unspoken protest, like a prayer – It’s not true! It is a test, or a mistake! It can’t be true! — but somewhere in the core of my being I knew that all my world was crumbling as I stood motionless in that little bedroom and listened to the disembodied voice of doom.
    Now my father was standing in the doorway listening, caught by that special horror instantly sensed by Americans of Japanese descent as the nightmare began to unfold…
    “Come outside!” my father said to me, and I plunged through the door after him…

     

    这是我翻译的版本:
    “爸爸!”我喊道(or 叫到),然后被吓呆了,手指抓着那个[单选]按钮。我能感觉到血液正在冲击我的太阳穴,还有(or 和)它背后无言的抗议,就像一个祈祷 - 这不是真的!这只是一个测试,或者一个错误!这不可能是真的! - 但在我的内心深处,我知道我的整个世界都崩溃了,因为我在那个小卧室里一动不动地站着,听着厄运无形的声音。
    正站在门口聆听的父亲被那个特别的恐惧侵袭,那个日裔美国人瞬间就感觉到的噩梦就此展开......
    “快到外面来!”(or "快出来!”)我的父亲对我说,我跃(or 跳)出大门紧跟着他走......


    第一部分,中文: (我修改你的版本:只是让它流畅,更完整通顺一些。)
    "爸!” 我喊(到),然后被吓的(得 may be better)动不了, 手指还在紧抓(着)那个[单选]按钮。我能感觉到血在我的太阳穴(内)拼命流 (淌),和疼痛背后说不出的抗议, 像个祈求 – 这肯定不是真的!这是个测试,或者一个差错! –但是我心里已经明白我的整个世界在崩溃,直到(or 因为?)我在那小卧室里一动不动的站着,聆听那个无形的充满厄运的声音。
    现在我父亲站在门口(聆)听,被那特别的恐怖抓走 ,那个一开始日裔美国人就感觉到恐怖的厄运就此展开······
    “快出来!” 我爸跟我说,我猛地穿过大门跟(着)他走······

    Pay attention: "..., and..." we can ignore "and" in Chinese sometimes when the last sentence has little relationship with the former sentence.


    Version with explanation:
    "爸!” 我喊,然后被恐惧吓的动不了(“吓成雕像”?跟像恐“恐惧”,不太像 “害怕”。      I am not sure about your meaning.  恐惧 is a noun ;吓 is a verb ; 害怕 is a verb . If we describe a person is afraid, we can say:他很害怕。or 他被吓到了  or 他感到恐惧。)紧抓那个[单选]按钮。我能感觉到血在我鬓角后拼命流,和疼痛后一个说不出的抗议, 像个祈求 – 这肯定不正确!这是个测试,或者一个差错! –但是我心里已经明白我整个世界在崩溃直到我在那小卧室里一动不动的占和聆听那个无形[我想表示“没有身体的”。中文有这个词么?有:无形的], 充满厄运的语音。
    现在我父亲站在门口里听,被那特别的恐怖抓走 (“而去”?抓走is ok.There is no need to add"而去"),那恶梦一开始日裔美国人就感觉到的恐怖······
    “快出来!” 我爸跟我说,(delete和)我猛穿通大门[想表达应力的感觉,他在进入冒险的感觉 you can try "跃”or "跳“]跟着他走····

    [感谢你的帮助! 我非常需要!]

     

    你好!我是中国女孩,中文是我的母语。 以上是我的意见,希望对你有帮助!

     

     

     

     

    Daniel Inouye Pearl Harbor bio (part 1), 中文翻译. ( 在锻炼汉语语法! 我的汉语很差,需要帮助 :D )

                                                                              在练习汉语语法。

    [我的写作能力太差,所以我我想可能翻译别人的作品会更有意思。:D 我想试试保存这原单副本的盛传和用地道中文语

                              所以我想可能翻译别人的作品会更有意思→ Do you mean that you think it will be interesting if you try to translate the others works? And I can not catch the point the next sentence you wrote. 

    法和词汇。请不要以为你需要修改整个这文章!

                  ‘请不要...’→ This sentence means 'You should not think that you need correct this passage'.Do you mean that?

    And if you don't know who Daniel Inouye is: http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E4%B8%B9%E5%B0%BC%E7%88%BE%C2%B7%E4%BA%95%E4%B8%8A ]

    Part 1, English:
    “PAPA!” I CALLED, THEN FROZE into immobility, my fingers clutching that [radio] button. I could feel blood hammering against my temple, and behind it an unspoken protest, like a prayer – It’s not true! It is a test, or a mistake! It can’t be true! — but somewhere in the core of my being I knew that all my world was crumbling as I stood motionless in that little bedroom and listened to the disembodied voice of doom.
    Now my father was standing in the doorway listening, caught by that special horror instantly sensed by Americans of Japanese descent as the nightmare began to unfold…
    “Come outside!” my father said to me, and I plunged through the door after him… 

    Version with explanation:
    "爸!” 我喊,然后被恐惧吓的动不了(“吓成雕像”?跟像恐“恐惧”,不太像 “害怕”→吓得动弹不得will be better.Either '吓成雕像' or ‘吓得动弹不得’, they both mean that the character is too frightening to move.You can also use the phrase '吓傻了' ), 手指还在紧抓那个[单选]按钮(Maybe you should translate radio into 无线收音机 because as you know the background of story is Inouye's childhood. So maybe he use the radio to get some information.→手指还紧紧抓着收音机的按钮)。我能感觉到血在我鬓角后拼命流(→我能够感受到太阳穴的位置上,血液突突的不停的鼓动着),和疼痛后一个说不出的抗议, 像个祈求(在它的后面像是一个祈祷者在无声的抗议着) – 这肯定不正确!(这不可能or这不是真的)这是个测试,或者一个差错!(Well done! or we may translate it into 这一定只是个测试,或者出了什么差错。And you lost one sentence→这不可能是真的。) –但是我心里已经明白我整个世界在崩溃直到我在那小卧室里一动不动的占和聆听那个无形[我想表示“没有身体的”。中文有这个词么?], 充满厄运的语音。(但是内心已经了解,我的世界已经破碎了→your 崩溃 is all right→,我静静地站在那个小屋里,听着世界末日那虚无的声音→it can be translated into two words, the one is 没有身体,不具形体which you have already said and the other one is 虚无缥缈的) 。

     

    现在我父亲站在门口里听,被那特别的恐怖抓走 (“而去”?),那恶梦一开始日裔美国人就感觉到的恐怖······
    “快出来!” 我爸跟我说,和我猛穿通大门[想表达应力的感觉,他在进入冒险的感觉]跟他走······

    现在父亲(it will be more formal)站在门口倾听着,被那立刻就能使日裔美国人感受到的如同梦魇般展开的特殊恐惧所攫获。‘快出来!’父亲冲我喊道。我紧随着他冲出了屋门......


     
    [感谢你的帮助! 我非常需要!]

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