Please help me with my TOEFL essay. Below is an essay I wrote for a task in TOEFl writing section. Please have a look and see if there are any grammatical mistakes. Do you agree or disagree with t

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Please help me with my TOEFL essay. Below is an essay I wrote for a task in TOEFl writing section. Please have a look and see if there are any grammatical mistakes. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? "People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do." Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. I agree with the statement, that people today spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than doing things they should do. As the technology advanced, various types of entertainment have been invented, starting with the inventory of television. We now have millions of movies to choose from, hundreds of television programs to watch, many addicting games to play with, and the notoriously innumerable websites on the internet that take away our time so easily. At a time when these things did not exist, it should have been much easier to concentrate on important things that need to be done. For example, when I was a high school student, I did not have access to the internet on my cellphone. Now that I have it, I am constantly using my phone to do everything. It can be useful, and yet at the same time, I waste a lot of my time by looking at unrelated websites, and playing application games. The time I used for leisure reading and pondering is now used up entirely on the internet. Moreover, we get distracted by notifications. When e-mails and SMS messages are received, these useful programs instantly notify us, which makes us feel obliged to respond immediately to them. Even if we intend to reply to one message at first, we soon get allured into the exciting world of internet and end up wasting few hours. Unless one really tries hard to block everything out by switching off all the distracting stimulus such as phones, TVs and computers, one can be easily distracted and pulled into the world of enjoyment. Thank you!

Apr 21, 2014 6:52 AM

Corrections · 3

Please help me with my TOEFL essay.

Below is an essay I wrote for a task in TOEFL writing section. Please have a look and see if there are any grammatical mistakes.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
"People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do."
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

I agree with the statement that people today spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than doing things they should do.
As the technology has advanced, various types of entertainment have been invented, starting with the inventory of television. We now have millions of movies to choose from, hundreds of television programs to watch, many addicting games to play with, and the notoriously innumerable websites on the internet that take away our time so easily. At a time when these things did not exist, it should have been much easier to concentrate on important things that needed to be done. For example, when I was a high school student, I did not have access to the Internet on my cellphone. Now that I have it, I am constantly using my phone to do everything. It can be useful, and yet at the same time, I waste a lot of my time by looking at unrelated websites, and playing application games. The leisure time I previously used for leisure reading and pondering is now used up entirely on the Internet.
Moreover, we get distracted by various types of phone and computer notifications. When e-mails and SMS messages are received, these useful programs instantly notify us we are instantly notified, which makes us feel obliged to respond immediately to them [I changed this because I wouldn't call SMS and e-mails "programs"]. Even if we intend to reply to one message at first, we soon get allured lured into the exciting world of internet and end up wasting few hours. [lured works better here]
Unless one really tries hard to block everything out by switching off all the distracting stimulus stimuli such as phones, TVs and computers, one can be easily distracted and pulled into the world of enjoyment.

Thank you!