Academic Writing.Totlitarian Past(part2).Stylistic problems and problems with cohesion and coherence Initially, we planned to conduct our research in two educational institutions: the St. Petersburg G

Dashulja

Academic Writing.Totlitarian Past(part2).Stylistic problems and problems with cohesion and coherence Initially, we planned to conduct our research in two educational institutions: the St. Petersburg Gymnasium with profound studying of German language and the Hamburg Gymnasium with profound studying of the Russian language. However, we were faced with the problem that the St. Petersburg Gymnasium students refused for the most part to fulfill the questionnaires, regarding (=because they told us that) overly complexity of the issues and topics covered in the questionnaire. Due to this failure, we had to change the selection (sampling). We have worked out “cross”-questionnaire, which consists of 16 questions both closed and opened types, that concern Russian history and the history of the opponent country during the Second World war. From the analysis of the answers it is possible to draw conclusions about the respondents’standard of knowledge on world and national history,their attitude toward totalitarian regimes and totalitarian leaders. Furthermore,it is possible to identify the appraisal(assessment) of the current situation, from the Russian and German pupil points of view,and sources of historical knowledge that they use. Comparative analysis of the answers allows us to make the following conclusions: Both Russian and German pupils take totalitarianism, not only for a phenomenon peculiar to only the second half of the XX century - the respondents are projecting this concept on the known history periods of ancient Rome, England, monarchy Russia. Among the names of the totalitarian leaders in addition to A.Hitler and I.Stalin present Pinochet, Mao Zedong,S.Hussein, M.Gaddafi.Russian pupils have also mentioned Ivan the Terrible,Otto von Bismarck and all leaders of the Soviet Union. German pupils have additionally listed Nero, O.Cromwell,many Russian kings before the revolution of 1917.However,the similarity ends there. In the German and Russian schoolchildren responses is well seen assessed(evaluative) attitude towards totalitarian regime and its leaders. Here is an example: “It is a real dementia. I feel sorry (regret)for the people who have to live under a totalitarian regime. Clearly,I am against this type of dictatorship.The modern states should intervene in the policy of the countries with totalitarian regimes and to take steps to overthrow them". It seems to be that the German respondents know what they are talking about, and are not afraid in expressing their opinions - in their answers is presenting internal empathy for raised questions"

Apr 23, 2014 6:26 PM

Corrections · 3

A few more style suggestions for you. I do hope others give their improvement versions too - I may have a few bad habits after all.

Initially, we planned to conduct our research in two educational institutions: the St. Petersburg Gymnasium, where students study German to fluency level / the syllabus at which includes advanced German, and the Hamburg Gymnasium [as above]. However, we were faced with the problem that the St. Petersburg Gymnasium students refused for the most part to complete / return the questionnaires, citing (a perceived) excessive complexity of the subject matter / reporting that the issues covered were overly complex. Due to this failure / On account of this problem / Following this setback, we had to change the sampling / the sampling was adjusted.

We prepared a “cross”-questionnaire [I'm not sure of this term, do you mean an alternative?] which consisted of 16 questions of both closed and opened types, which concerned Russian history and the history of the opponent country / (national) enemy during the Second World war.

From the analysis of the answers it is possible to draw conclusions about the respondents’ standard of knowledge on world and national history, and their attitude toward totalitarian regimes and totalitarian leaders. Furthermore, it is possible to identify appraisals of the modern situation, from the Russian and German pupils' points of view, and the sources of historical knowledge that they use / and the sources of historical knowledge on which they draw.

Comparative analysis of the answers supplied / the responses allows us to make the following conclusions:
Both Russian and German pupils consider totalitarianism not only a phenomenon / conceive of totalitarianism not only as a phenomenon peculiar to the second half of the XX century, but project this concept onto the historical periods of ancient Rome, England and monarchist / monarchical / Tsarist Russia ["Tsarist" Russia is very common in English. Standard, in fact. "Monarchist" Russia is almost never used]. Among the names of totalitarian leaders such as to Hitler / Adolf Hitler [Use of initials for famous, historical names is unusual in written English. Generally only the surname or full name are used] and Stalin, respondents also included General Pinochet, Mao Zedong, Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi. The Russian students tended to extend their list to Ivan the Terrible, Otto von Bismarck and all former leaders of the Soviet Union. German students, on the other hand / for their part, additionally listed Nero, Oliver Cromwell, and several pre-revolutionary Tsars. However, the similarity ends there.

The responses of the German and Russian schoolchildren / students show clear evidence of / strongly indicate evaluative / critical attidues towards totalitarian regimes and their leaders.
For example / This is illustrated by this example: “It is a real [kind of] dementia. I feel sorry for the people who have to live under a totalitarian regime. Clearly, I am against this type of dictatorship. The modern states should intervene in the policy of the countries with totalitarian regimes and take steps to overthrow them".

It seems that the German respondents know what they are talking about / It appeared that the German respondents were particularly well informed, and are not afraid express their opinions; their answers indicate an internal empathy for the questions raised / a particular sympathy for the issues raised was detectable in their responses / a sense of personal significance was apparent in their responses.

April 30, 2014

As a general rule for academic writing, when discussing your methods, the tone can be improved by writing without personal pronouns. So, by writing impersonally. This is something you did very well most of the time anyway, but as an extra couple of examples:

"Initially, we planned to conduct our research in two educational institutions"

Initially, (the/our) research was intended to be conducted at two education institutions... /

The initial intention was to conduct research at two educational institutions...

"We have worked out “cross”-questionnaire, which consists of..."

A "cross"-questionnaire was designed / created (or just written), which consisted of...

"Due to this failure, we had to change the selection (sampling)."

Following this failure, the sampling method was adjusted.

I hope this is somehow useful.

April 30, 2014

Want to progress faster?

Join this learning community and try out free exercises!