A present from my sister

Ten years ago, when I finished my university education, my sister gave me a cell phone.  , which It was my first one, as my graduation gift during the commencement. (Not wrong to have such a long sentence, but hard to follow - it's easier to read in two sentences.)  She was working on an ('an' is used before words beginning with vowels - a, e, i, o and u) assembly line in a small factory in GuangDong province, and this phone cost her one month's salary. As a result I was so touched by this valuable present since it was also the most valuable present I had ever received. (You don't need 'as a result' and 'since' in the same sentence.) This was a feature phone produced by a domestic Manufacturer. Of course, in those day, there were no smart phones available on the market. It was an old-fashion flip phone and was only able to could only be used for making calls and sending text messages.
In fact, This phone was particularly precious to me. Just a few days before my commencement, I receive a small postal parcel. When I opened it, there was this cell phone, and a piece of paper, which read:"Dear brother, this is a present for you, good luck after graduation". I was so moved, not only by the electronic devisce, but also the text in the paper.

Very good.  Nice story, too.  :)

A present from my sister

Ten years ago, when I finished my university education, my sister gave me a cell phone, which was my first one, as my graduation gift during the commencement. She was working on a assembly line in a small factory in GuangDong province, and this phone cost her one month's salary. As a result I was so touched by this valuable present since it was also the most valuable present I had ever received. This was a feature phone produced by a domestic Manufacturer. Of course, in those days, there were no smart phones available on the market. It was an old-fashion flip phone and was only able to be used for making calls and sending text messages.
In fact, this phone was particularly precious to me. Just a few days before my commencement, I receive a small postal parcel. When I opened it, there was this cell phone, and a piece of paper, which read:"Dear brother, this is a present for you, good luck after graduation". I was so moved, not only by the electronic devise, but also the text in the paper.

Excellent job!  This is very well written!