Story 24/7/2014 One day on the stage, the actor raised his prop gun and shot the evil villain. At that critical moment, the gun did not pop. He immediately pulled the trigger again. Nothing had happen

Misa

Story 24/7/2014 One day on the stage, the actor raised his prop gun and shot the evil villain. At that critical moment, the gun did not pop. He immediately pulled the trigger again. Nothing had happened. Having seen this scene, the audience booed the actor off the stage. The actor pushed the panic button. He lift his leg and kicked the villain frantically with his boot. The villain fell onto his feet at a very slow motion. He pressed his chest in agony. His face contorted with great pain. Before he collapsed and passed out, he said softly, "his boot has poison, the Lord is waving at me."

Jul 24, 2014 3:36 PM

Corrections · 1

Story 24/7/2014

One day whilst on the stage, an the actor raised his prop gun and tried to shoot an the evil villain. At that critical moment, the gun did not fire pop. He immediately pulled the trigger again, but nothing had happened.
Having been witness to seen this kerfuffle scene, the audience booed the actor off the stage.
The actor went into pushed the panic mode button. He lifted one of his legs and kicked the villain frantically with his boot.
The villain fell to his knees onto his feet at a very almost in slow motion. He pressed held his chest in agony. His face contorted with great pain. Before he collapsed and passed out, he said softly, "his boot is poisonous has poison, the Lord is waving at me".

I don't want to be a downer on this essay, but it reads in a really strange way because you are using slightly incorrectly words rather regularly. I also think that there should be some adverbs and adjectives in there that you've missed out and, finally, some of the things that you've written just don't really make sense. I'll try and explain:

-You can't really start a story with the actor. When you use a definite article you are talking about the one that your readers already know about or are expected to know about

-Guns don't pop, they fire. Saying pop makes me think of a little child's toy gun :P

-It's best to accurately describe the scene with a noun that bears some relation to the commotion that has just happened - and kerfuffle is a decent choice

-Again, you can't say the actor his the panic button because we have no idea about what panic button you are talking about. I also don't think it sounds correct to say "the actor hit a panic button" because there aren't usually panic buttons on stage.

-Things happen in slow motion

-To press is not the correct noun. You could say that he pressed against his cheast

-Remember that you must put the final full stop after the speech marks.

Hope this helps, and sorry to be a little mean.

July 24, 2014

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