Shabnam
An IELTS Essay: Smokers: please help me with corrections. thanks so much in advance The subject (In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office buildings. Do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position) The number of smokers is enormous and the dangers caused by smoking have been known for many years. People and experts are concerned about the problems made by smoking. To protect people and environment and to provide a healthier life, some countries have banned smoking in workplaces and public spaces. In my opinion, this is a good practice and I do agree. In this essay I will outline some reasons for this point of view. This is good to know that smoking is optional but breathing is not. Said by scientists, the risk of diseases like heart attack, cancers, asthma and respiratory infections is more for passive smoker who is exposure to the smoker’s smoke. This is people’s right to live in a healthy environment. There are many children as well as people who have to cope with streets polluted by smokers or it is likely that some people have allergy to smoke so even if smokers do not intend to put people in danger, but they are. On the other hand, the cost of treatment paid by governments and people is significantly high. Therefore, protecting people from smoke will reduce health care costs. Besides, smoking freely in public could encourage younger people to try it. For example, a child without any knowledge about smoke, seeing people everywhere smoking, may be keen to experience what adult do. In short, I think forbidding smokers not to smoke in public places and workplaces have many advantages and it is the best strategy to protect people’s lives and to keep environment away of pollution.
Jul 26, 2014 4:58 AM
Corrections · 4
1

The number of smokers (where? when?) is enormous and the dangers caused by smoking have been known for many years. Both the general public and experts are concerned about the problems caused by smoking. To protect people and the environment as well as to provide a healthier life, some countries have banned smoking in workplaces and public spaces. In my opinion, this is a good practice and I do agree. In this essay I will outline some reasons for this point of view.

 

It is good to keep in mind that while smoking is optional, but breathing is not. We have been told by scientists, that the risk of diseases such as heart attacks, cancers, asthma and other respiratory infections is higher for passive smokers - that is, those who are exposed to the smoker’s secondhand smoke. This is People’s have the right to live in a healthy environment. There are many children as well as adults who have to cope with streets polluted by smokers. or Furthermore, it is likely that some people may have an allergy to smoke, so even if smokers do not intend to put those people in danger, but they still do.


On the other hand In addition to this, the cost of treatment paid by governments and the average person is significantly high. Therefore, protecting people from smoke will reduce health care costs.
Besides, smoking freely in public could encourage younger people to try it. For example, a child without any knowledge about the danger of cigarette smoke, seeing people everywhere smoking, may be keen to experience what adults do.


In short, I think forbidding smokers not to smoke in public places and workplaces has many advantages and it is the best strategy to protect people’s lives and to keep the environment free from pollution.

 

I can see your improvement!  I offered some more appropriate alternatives to "people" and fixed some collocation errors (eg. <em>cause a problem</em>). Remember that <em>forbid</em> has a negative meaning, so adding "not" would give the opposite meaning to the sentence.

<em>On the other hand</em> is only used when you say something opposite to what you've already said.

July 26, 2014
Dear Alexey, thanks
July 26, 2014
In my opinion, it's always better when people could regulate themselves without any restrictions by government or by employers. Maybe in perfect world, there will not be government restrictions at all (some people call this as "anarchy"). And maybe we should try to approach to this kind of world. But in the real world, I think it's good idea to have some restriction by government and especially the restriction on smoking in some public places. However, I think, it depends on the country. Maybe in some highly developed countries it's actually not necessary.
July 26, 2014
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