IELTS writing task 2 answer (14) (how to make electronic devices more useful to old people)

Question:

"Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful. However, it is rare for old people to use them. What ways could mobile phone and the Internet be useful to old people? How does the old people to be encouraged using this new technology? "


Answer:

It is true that elderly people have difficulties using high-tech gadgets like cells phones and computers. There are several methods to make these electronic devices more user-friendly to the aged, and there are also ways to encourage them to utilise this equipment.
The operation of high-tech electronic instruments should be simplified to alleviate senior citizens’ “technophobia”. Today’s operating systems in smartphones and laptops carry many dazzling functions, which are exceptionally difficult for old people to follow. Cell phones and computers with simplified operation, therefore, should be specially designed for them. For example, a mobile phone that can be operated just like old style landline phones would be more convenient to the elderly.
Another way to make high-tech gadgets more accessible to the aged is to make the functions of the buttons more clear. Nowadays most electronic devices have many buttons: this alone can baffle most old people. Even if they are able to see the buttons clearly, it would be fairly difficult for them to memorise which buttons to push. It would be much easier for them if the most useful functions could be accessed by one press of a button with distinct explanations aside.
In my opinion, governments should take several steps to encourage elderly people to utilise hi-tech devices. Firstly, electronic products aiming at the elderly should be subsidised. A second measure would be to give more public lectures to educate older people about how to operate electronic devices. Finally, awareness campaigns should be launched to urge young people to spend more time imparting these convenient life skills to their older family members.
In conclusion, various measures can be taken to ease the difficulties for the older population in using electronic devices, and action should be taken to encourage them to make use of these advanced technologies.

I sense less struggle... .

Hello, here a just a few comments on the work that you might consider to help this piece be more effective.

1. "Cell phones and computers with simplified operation, therefore, should be specially designed for them."
This is really just about writing style. I recommend you remove therefore from this sentence, it is not necessary and is really serving no purpose other than to chop up the sentence and distract the reader. I think one of the best things you can do as a writer when you are making any kind of an argument is to make it as simple as possible. You won't be able to convince anybody of your stance if the reader is having a difficult time understanding what you are saying.

2. "Another way to make high-tech gadgets more accessible to the aged is to make the functions of the buttons more clear."
Your first two points are really working towards the same thing. They are both talking about making the function of technology easier or more user friendly, but you kind of address them as entirely separate things. Even your final point of having government programs devoted towards encouraging elderly technology use could be lumped in with them because they are all focusing on making technology less intimidating to elders. A better way to approach this might be to point out the intimidation factor as the main problem and then list your ways to make technology less intimidating. As is, you seem to separate these ideas into separate things when they're very related and it give the piece a sloppier feel.

3. "In conclusion, various measures can be taken to ease the difficulties for the older population in using electronic devices, and action should be taken to encourage them to make use of these advanced technologies."
It's a good idea to quickly summarize what you have said in order to drive your points home, but this isn't a very effective way to do it. More than anything, you are just restating the issue that is presented by the essay question itself question. You are basically saying that technology is difficult for our elders and we should try to help them use it, but we already know this. Your job is not to restate the problem, it is to give a solution.

I hope you find this helpful. Let me know if you have any questions about what I've said here.