Isabella P
IELTS writing task 2 answer (19) (turning sport into a business, good or bad?) Question: “Sport today is turning into a business, with many companies involved and ever growing prize money for the sportsmen. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development?” Answer: Nowadays sport is becoming a new part of marketing. Whether it has a positive or negative impact on sportsmen and society is a controversial issue. Although I acknowledge that it may have some disadvantages, I would argue that it is exceptionally beneficial in general. Because industrialisation is spreading and sport is not exception to it, it is true that many people with sport-related professions are becoming profit-driven. People enjoy watching their favourite players, and businessmen sponsor sport teams with potential so as to take advantage of more audiences’ attention for product promotion. In order to obtain more sponsorship, some teams even violate the spirit of sport: making players take stimulants before games. This is an absolutely adverse influence on the public. On the other hand, sport industrialisation provides profitable opportunities for sportsmen. High ranking sports players are earning huge amount of money than before from their clubs and their commercial endorsement. I believe they deserve this, because people who reach highest levels in any sport must be uniquely talented, and must undergo many years of training to develop the skill and fitness required, and this takes great commitment, dedication and passion. Without the booming sport industry, they cannot obtain this reward. In addition, sport commercialisation also popularises the idea of importance of health. It is common that people like to imitate their idols. Therefore, if one’s idol is a sports star, whose image is usually strong and healthy, it is likely that one will follow a healthy lifestyle. This has an exceptionally positive influence on the public, which is particularly pronounced for those who have a tight working schedule and can only be stimulated to keep an exercise routine by personal interest. In conclusion, I accept that commercialisation of sport has its downsides. However, we should also notice its merits.
Jul 31, 2014 12:13 PM
Corrections · 5
1

IELTS writing task 2 answer (19) (turning sport into a business, good or bad?)

Question:
“Sport today is turning into a business, with many companies involved and ever growing prize money for the sportsmen. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development?”


Answer:
Nowadays sport is becoming a new part of marketing. <em>(has been for a long long time)</em> Whether it has a positive or negative impact on sportsmen and society is a controversial issue. Although I acknowledge that it may have some disadvantages, I would argue that it is exceptionally beneficial in general.

Because industrialisation is spreading and sport is not exception to it, <em>(grammatically correct, but what does it mean?)</em> it is true that many people with sport-related professions are becoming profit-drivenobsessed. People enjoy watching their favourite players, and businessmen sponsor sports teams with potential, <em>(comma to associate next clause with two preceding clauses)</em> so as to take advantage of more audiences’ attention for product promotion. In order to obtain more sponsorship, some teams even violate the spirit of sport: making players take stimulants before games. This is an absolutely extremely adverse influence on the public.

On the other hand, sport industrialisation(?) provides profitable opportunities for sportsmen. High ranking sports players are earning ever huger amounts of money than before from their clubs and their commercial endorsements. I believe they deserve this, because people who reach highest levels in any sport must be uniquely talented, and must undergo many years of training to develop the skill and fitness required, and this takes great commitment, dedication and passion. Without the booming sport industry, they cannot could not obtain this such rewards.

In addition, sport commercialisation also popularises the idea of importance of health. It is common that for people like to imitate/emulate their idols. Therefore, if one’s your idol is a sports star, whose image is usually strong and healthy, it is likely that one you will follow chase a healthy lifestyle. This has an exceptionally positive influence on the public, which <em>(the 'which' is intended to refer to 'influence', but it could also refer to public)</em> is particularly pronounced for those who have a tight working schedule and can only be stimulated to keep an exercise routine by personal interest.

In conclusion, I accept that commercialisation of sport has its downsides. However, we should also notice note its merits.

July 31, 2014

IELTS writing task 2 answer (19) (turning sport into a business, good or bad?)

Question:
“Sport today is turning into a business, with many companies involved and ever growing prize money for the sportsmen. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development?” 
 

Answer:
Nowadays, sport has become an extension (is becoming a new part) of marketing. Whether it has a positive or negative impact on sportsmen and society is a controversial issue. Although I acknowledge/accept (that) it may have some disadvantages, I would argue that it is generally (exceptionally) beneficial. (in general.)

(Because) Marketing plays a key role in modern life (Industrialisation is spreading) and sport is no (not) exception, (to it,) so it is true that many people in (with) sport-related professions are becoming profit-driven. People enjoy watching their favourite players, and businessmen sponsor sports teams with potential so as to take advantage of the higher viewing figures to promote products. (more audiences’ attention for product promotion.) In order to obtain more sponsorship, some teams even violate the spirit of sport: forcing (making) players to take stimulants before games. This makes a travesty of the game and reflects adversely (is an absolutely adverse influence) on the public.

On the other hand, sport, as a commercial enterprise, (industrialisation) provides profitable opportunities for sportsmen. High ranking sports players are earning huge amounts of money than ever before from their clubs and (their) commercial endorsements. I believe they deserve this, because people who reach the highest levels/echelons in any sport must be uniquely talented, and must undergo many years of training to develop the skills and fitness required. All (, and) this requires (takes) great commitment, dedication and passion. Without the booming sport industry, these rewards would be unattainable. (they cannot obtain this reward.)

(In addition,) Sporting merchandise (sport commercialisation) also popularises the (idea of) importance of health and fitness. It is common for (that) people (like) to imitate their idols. Therefore, if one’s idol is a sports star, whose image is usually strong and healthy, it is likely that one will follow a healthy lifestyle. This has an exceptionally positive influence on the public, which is particularly pronounced for those who have a tight working schedule and can only be stimulated to keep an exercise routine by personal interest.

In conclusion, although (I accept that) the commercialisation of sport has its downsides, I believe (However,) we should also appreciate (notice) its positive effects. (merits.)


Well-thought-out article and good construction. Some of your phraseology is not quite natural so I have suggested a few amendments that would make it read more natural in English. We do not begin a sentence in English with a conjunction - ie  'and' 'but' 'because' - these are linking words and are used in the middle of sentences to link two phrases. Good standard of writing though. 

August 4, 2014
Good!, keep posting...thumbs up..:)
July 31, 2014
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