One of the most exciting forms of entertainments is live performance. Some people enjoy attending live events, while others prefer to stay at homes and watch the same program on TV. I do agree with the statement that participating in a live event is more pleasant than watching it on TV. In this essay I will outline some reasons for this point of view.
Just remember that <em>entertainment</em> is uncountable. <em>At home</em> is an adverb (it tells us where), so no plural either.
First of all, the atmosphere at a live event is definitely exciting. Many people are yelling and clapping and this environment would lead participants to forget their personal circumstances and problems, and instead live in the moment and enjoy the time there. For example, a person participating in a concert would forget all difficulties while that person is among many other people and out of the house, in spite of having a mind filled with life’s problems.
People are <em>at</em> events. The second sentence had <em>and</em> quite a few times, so I added some things to structure it properly. The last sentence needed the information in a different order to make it clear. Good work on trying to structure the sentence anyway.
Secondly, in creating memories and having experiences, participating in live performances could be considered more effective and enjoyable. For instance, one can attend to a concert with friends and takes photographs which would result in an amazing album to remind him or her of the memories. There are many people who have similar interests that one can make friends with them. Additionally, attending a live performance is not an everyday activity; it may only happen once a year. Attended People coming from different cities and countries could also explore the city where the event takes place.
The pattern for the first sentence is <em>effective in (verb)ing</em> - I've shuffled the clauses around. Remember that <em>attend</em> doesn't have a preposition after it, and <em>remind</em> needs a person to be reminded. I was a bit concerned about the repetition of <em>attend</em>, so I tried an alternative.
In short, in my opinion there is clearly a big difference between attending a live performance and watching the same program on TV. The atmosphere, environment, and the excitement existing at a live event couldn’t be felt via TV. Creating memories, getting experiences, making friends, and enjoying being among people are other advantages of a live performance which makes it interesting.
<em>Inevitable</em> literally means "cannot be evaded". It doesn't fit the sentence. In the last sentence, <em>it</em> refers to <em>a live performance</em>.
Good work.
