Kim Min-Jung
Swim is a present for me 약 3개월 전부터 수영을 배우기 시작했다. 너무 물을 무서워해서 수영을 배울 생각조차 못했었지만 방콕 여행 중에 수영을 꼭 배우겠다고 결심했었다. 왜냐하면 경치가 너무 아름답고, 물이 아주 깨끗한 호텔 내 수영장이 있었는데 그곳에서 즐기지 못하는 것이 너무 아쉬웠기 때문이다. I’ve learned swimming about three months ago. I couldn’t even consider learning swimming because I’m scared of playing in the water. But I decided that I will learn swimming when I was going on trip to Bangkok. Because I couldn’t enjoy that time when I was in a swimming pool which has a beautiful view and clean water on the roof top in the hotel. 요즘은 그 무엇보다 수영을 배우는 게 제일 큰 행복이고 즐거움이다. 매일 매일 수영장을 가도 또 가고 싶다. 특히 최근에 후배와 같이 수영을 배워서 배우는 기쁨이 2배인 것 같다. 그 후배도 수영을 좋아해서 앞으로 같이 물놀이를 많이 하자고 했다. These days, learning swimming is the happiest and best enjoyable for me. Although I go to swimming pool everyday, I wanna go there again. Especially, I think I’m taking swimming class with my coworker in the latest so that I feel happy 2times. the cowoker also likes swimming so that we will swim in the water more often. 얼마 전에는 수영 선생님이 물속에서 앞구르기 하는 방법을 알려주셔서 연습중이다. 앞구르기 할 때 물속에서 자유로움을 느끼고, 너무 짜릿하다. 앞으로 더 열심히 배워서 수영도 더 예쁘게 하고 다이빙도 도전하고 싶다. My swimming coach taught me a forward roll under the water a few days ago and I’m going into training for it. when I do a forward roll, I am thrilled and feel free under the water. In the future, I’m studying swimming hard so that I will swimming as a beautiful shape of body movement and I will challenge a diving. 혹시, 여가생활을 즐기고 싶다면 저랑 같이 수영 배워 보실래요? would you learn swimming with me If you wanna enjoy your spare time?
Sep 17, 2014 1:45 AM
Corrections · 3
1

Swim is a present for me  (Your title is a little unclear)

 

약 3개월 전부터 수영을 배우기 시작했다. 너무 물을 무서워해서 수영을 배울 생각조차 못했었지만 방콕 여행 중에 수영을 꼭 배우겠다고 결심했었다. 왜냐하면 경치가 너무 아름답고, 물이 아주 깨끗한 호텔 내 수영장이 있었는데 그곳에서 즐기지 못하는 것이 너무 아쉬웠기 때문이다.
I’ve learned swimming about three months ago. I couldn’t even consider learning swimming because I’m scared of playing in the water. But However, I decided that I will learn swimming when I was going on took a trip to Bangkok. Because Why?  Well, I couldn’t enjoy that time when I was in a swimming pool which has a beautiful view and clean water on the roof top in the hotel.
(I couldn't enjoy the beautiful scenery and very clean water at the hotel pool.  It was very disappointing.)

 

요즘은 그 무엇보다 수영을 배우는 게 제일 큰 행복이고 즐거움이다. 매일 매일 수영장을 가도 또 가고 싶다. 특히 최근에 후배와 같이 수영을 배워서 배우는 기쁨이 2배인 것 같다. 그 후배도 수영을 좋아해서 앞으로 같이 물놀이를 많이 하자고 했다.  

These days,
Learning swimming to swim is the happiest and best enjoyable for me. very enjoyable.
(The topic sentence is very difficult to translate literally.  I have assumed you intend to use the passive voice because there is no agent in your first sentence.  you intend to describe your opinion using the active voice you must include an agent.  For example, use the pronoun <em>I</em> as the subject)


Although I go to Despite going to the swimming pool everyday, I want to go there again. (This is correct. However, it doesn't feel like natural English. A more natural phrase would be: I never tire of going to the swimming pool despite going there everyday.)


Especially, I think I’m taking swimming class with my coworker in the latest so that I feel happy 2times. (As I am learning to swim with my co-worker, I feel twice as happy.)  the cowoker also likes swimming so that we will swim in the water more often. He/She (Use a pronoun on second mention) suggested that we swim together frequently because he/she likes to swim too.

 

얼마 전에는 수영 선생님이 물속에서 앞구르기 하는 방법을 알려주셔서 연습중이다. 앞구르기 할 때 물속에서 자유로움을 느끼고, 너무 짜릿하다. 앞으로 더 열심히 배워서 수영도 더 예쁘게 하고 다이빙도 도전하고 싶다.
My swimming coach taught me a forward roll under the water a few days ago and I’m going into training for it.  (I'm currently practicing underwater forward rolls, which my swimming coach taught me recently.)  When I do a forward roll, I am feel thrilled and feel free under the water. In the future, I’m studying swimming hard so that I will swimming as a beautiful shape of body movement (In the future, I will continue to dilligently practice in order that I can swim more beautifully.) and I will challenge a diving. (I would like to attempt diving too.)


혹시, 여가생활을 즐기고 싶다면 저랑 같이 수영 배워 보실래요?
would you learn swimming with me If you wanna enjoy your spare time?
By chance, if you would like to enjoy your free time, why not learn swimming with me?


민정씨,

정말 잘 쓰셨어요 .  I'm very impressed.  Your writing is easy to understand and it explains your meaning clearly.  A lot of the feedback I have offered is related to the fluency of your sentences.

I would suggest that you may wish to review the use of transition words in English.  Specifically, the differences between adverbials, such as: However and Furthermore, as opposed to conjuctions such as: But and 'and.'  Furthermore, you may wish to consider when it is appropriate to use the passive voice.

Generally, this was a very good piece of informal writing.  수고하셨습니다 ^^
 

September 19, 2014
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