Story She is a manager. Although she dreamt to be a model when she was ten years old. Do you mind if I tell you her story? She lived in a mansion of her parents the first years of her life. There w

Anna

Story She is a manager. Although she dreamt to be a model when she was ten years old. Do you mind if I tell you her story? She lived in a mansion of her parents the first years of her life. There were particular years for them. By the way, her name is Pat, but she didn't mind if she was called Carrots in childhood. Pat was a very motivated girl, she played musical instruments and she was in a good mood almost all the time. Her father owned a factory which was manufacturing tyres for cars. He motivated her to collect memorabilia, which were connected with martial arts. He was a manly person, had a moustache and he often mentioned a case when he appeared in a movie. Also he liked climbing mountain ranges. Mother mattered a lot for Pat. She missed her every time when mother left home. By her 15th birthday she already became quite mature and had mixed feelings about her future. By that time she dreamt about marriage with multimillionaire. When Pat was 18 years old, she met a man, who has changed her mind. He certainly knew a magic of influence other people. His manliness mattered for her. But she made a big mistake to miss a piece of advice from father : "You must be careful. He looks like a mugger." Once, when Pat was being at the market, he stole a mobile, two antique mirrors, a microwave oven and old magnifying glass, which was expensive as a memory for her father. He left only mess.

Oct 17, 2014 12:55 PM

Corrections · 1

Story

She is a manager. A , although she dreamt to be of being a model when she was ten years old. Do you mind if I tell you her story? [dependent clause error, followed by an infinitive/gerund error]

She lived in a mansion of her parents' mansion [stylistically better] during the first early [vocabulary choice] years of her life. There were particular years for them [cannot understand the meaning]. By the way, her name is Pat, but in her childhood, [stylistically better] she didn't mind if she was called Carrots in childhood.

Pat was a very motivated girl. , s She played musical instruments and she was in a good mood almost all the time. Her father owned a factory which was manufacturing manufactured tyres for cars. He motivated her to collect memorabilia, which were connected with martial arts. He was a manly person, had a moustache and he often mentioned a case told a story of when he once appeared in a movie. Also h He also [stylistically better] liked climbing mountain ranges.

Mother mattered a lot for to Pat. She missed her every time when [OR "that"] mother was away from left [vocabulary choice] home. By her 15th birthday she had already become [from "had become"] quite mature and had mixed feelings about her future. By that time she dreamt about marriage with a multimillionaire. [Heh heh. Was advanced civilization built upon ambitious dreams such as these?!]

When Pat was 18 years old, she met a man, who has changed her mind.

He certainly knew had a magical of influence over other people. His manliness mattered for to her. But she made a big mistake in to missing [infinitive/gerund error] ignoring [vocabulary choice] a piece of advice from father : "You must be careful. He looks like a mugger."

Once, when Pat was being at the market, he stole from her [greater clarity] a mobile, two antique mirrors, a microwave oven and an old magnifying glass, which was expensive as a memory for [something is wrong here, but I'm unsure as to your meaning] her father. He left only a mess.

October 22, 2014

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