Barbara
The Mirror This days, I've been watching her, she looks so decentralized that she can't focus in anything. She has not noticed but I've realized that when she is anxious she runs her hand by her hairs over and over again, I cannot even count how many times she has done that lately, hundred, thousand, maybe more? She tries to calm down herself drinking tee because she enjoy the warmth of the cup, she hugs it to keep the heat, but is not enough, nothing is enough. I don't know what to do, I want to help her but I don't know how. The only thing that I can do is reflect a good image of her in the morning when she look at me, an image without dark circles in his eyes and an attempt of smile in her face. That's all that I can do from the corner of her bedroom.
Nov 18, 2014 5:02 PM
Corrections · 4
1

The Mirror

This days, I've been watching her, she looks so decentralized that she can't focus in anything. She has not noticed but I've realized that when she is anxious she runs her hand by her hairs over and over again, I cannot even count how many times she has done that lately, hundred, thousand, maybe more?
She tries to calm down herself drinking tee because she enjoy the warmth of the cup, she hugs it to keep the heat, but is not enough, nothing is enough. I don't know what to do, I want to help her but I don't know how. The only thing that I can do is reflect a good image of her in the morning when she look at me, an image without dark circles in his eyes and an attempt of smile in her face. That's all that I can do from the corner of her bedroom.

 

These days, I've been watching her. It looks like she has lost her center, that she can't focus on anything.  She hasn't noticed it, but I've seen that when she is anxious she runs her hand through her hair over and over again. I can't even count how many times she has done that lately -- hundreds? thousands? maybe more? She tries to calm herself down by drinking tea. Because she enjoys the warmth of the cup, she hugs it to herself to keep the heat, but it is not enough, nothing is enough. I don't know what to do. I want to help her but I don't know how. The only thing I can do is reflect a better image of her in the morning when she looks at me, an image without the dark circles under eyes, and an attempt of a smile in her face. That's all I can do from the corner of her bedroom.

 

I agree with Aaron - you are a very good writer! I would love to read any stories you have written in Spanish.

I think your style fits better with shorter sentences, like Hemingway. That is why I changed so many of your commas to periods.

November 21, 2014
1

The Mirror

This days These daya, I've been watching her. She looks so decentralized (She always seems to be in a world of her own) that she can't focus in on anything. She has not noticed, but I've realized that when she is anxious she runs her hand by her hairs through her hair over and over again, I cannot even count how many times she has done that lately, hundreds, thousands, maybe more?
She tries to calm down herself calm herself down by drinking tee tea because she enjoys the warmth of the cup, she hugs it to keep the heat, but it is not enough, nothing is enough. I don't know what to do, I want to help her but I don't know how. The only thing that I can do is reflect a good image of her in the morning when she looks at me, an image without dark circles in his her eyes and an attempt of smile in her face. That's all that I can do from the corner of her bedroom.

 

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<em>Notes:</em> 

 

1. 'Decentralised' seemed a bit awkward to me, that's the reason why I've suggested an alternate phrase. It's not incorrect, but it may sound too formal to some. 

 

2. You focus ON something, not IN


3. You run your fingers THROUGH your hair

 

4. Be careful with the order of object pronouns: to calm YOURSELF/MYSELF/HIMSELF(etc.) down 

 

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Very good job in general, though. You definitely have a good idea of how to write an engaging narrative! Keep up the good work :)

 

 

November 18, 2014
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