Trough the darkness (PART 4) … Black. Everything went black that Monday morning. I was so tired. I hadn't slept well the night before. I was keeping my eyes open hardly. Luckily, someone had knocked m

José Santacruz

Trough the darkness (PART 4) … Black. Everything went black that Monday morning. I was so tired. I hadn't slept well the night before. I was keeping my eyes open hardly. Luckily, someone had knocked my office door before I fell asleep on my desk. I rubbed my eyes. “Come in.” A skinny, tall, young man came in. I had never seen him before. He was wearing such big glasses! On the other hand his tie wasn't long enough. “Good morning Mr. Collins. I hope you are having a good day.” I noticed he was a little bit nervous. “Good morning” I said. “What's your name?” “My name is Anthony. But you can call me Tony.” He said and faked a smile. “Everybody does...” he emphasized then. “Good. What brings you to my office, Tony?” I queried him inquisitively. “Well…” He looked down at the floor. “My boss needs to talk to you Mr. Collins.” I noticed it was hard for him to complete the sentence. I was getting a little bit nervous. What could be wrong? I thought. “Right now?” “As soon as you can Mr. Collins.” He tried to show a nice smile again. “OK. Thanks, Tony. I will go to his office in 10 min.” “Good!” he exclaimed as he turned around and went out of my office. He closed the door very slowly. I was very confused. What was wrong with him… or with me! Unfortunately, later that day I found out that the company where I was working went broke. In other words, I had lost my job and it was one of the worst days of my life. My back hurt less. I touched it, it was no longer bleeding. My lantern finally went off. I stopped. I couldn't see my path anymore but I really wanted to get out of that place. At that very moment, the rain started to sound louder so I presumed I was almost at the end of the tunnel, nevertheless I couldn't see it. All of a sudden I was able to see a tiny bright light. That must be a car or something, I thought. I was right, a few moments later I realized it was the police. The emergency lights and the sirens were unmistakable. They stopped right in front of me. I could barely see because of the high beam. I only heard a police screaming “Hands over your head and don't try anything funny.” I did exactly what he said. I was so confused and scared. “What’s the matter officer? I haven’t done anything wrong!” I said. Two of them were pointing their gun at me. They tried to arrest me but I resisted it at first. “John Collins you have killed a man forty minutes ago, you’d better turn yourself in now.” TO BE CONTINUED! :)

Nov 24, 2014 12:06 AM

Corrections · 11

Trough the darkness (PART 4)

… Black. Everything went black that Monday morning. I was so tired. I hadn't slept well the night before. I was barely keeping my eyes open hardly. Luckily, someone had knocked at/on my office door before I fell asleep on at my desk. I rubbed my eyes. “Come in.” A tall, skinny, tall young man* came in. I had never seen him before. He was wearing such big glasses! On the other hand, his tie wasn't long enough. “Good morning, Mr. Collins. I hope you are having a good day.” I noticed he was a little bit nervous. “Good morning” I said. “What's your name?” “My name is Anthony. But you can call me Tony.” (great name) He said and faked a smile. “Everybody does...” he emphasized then. “Good. What brings you to my office, Tony?” I queried him inquisitively. “Well…” He looked down at the floor. “My boss needs to talk to you Mr. Collins.” I noticed it was hard for him to complete the sentence. I was getting a little bit nervous. What could be wrong? I thought. “Right now?” “As soon as you, can Mr. Collins.” He tried to show a nice smile again. “OK. Thanks, Tony. I will go to his office in 10 min.” “Good!” he exclaimed as he turned around and went out of my office. He closed the door very slowly. I was very confused. What was wrong with him?… or with me? Unfortunately, later that day I found out that the company where I was working went broke. In other words, I had lost my job and it was one of the worst days of my life.

My back hurt less. I touched it, and it was no longer bleeding. My lantern flaslight (linterna?) finally went off. I stopped. I couldn't see my path anymore but I really wanted to get out of that place.

At that very moment, the rain started to sound louder so I presumed I was almost at the end of the tunnel, nevertheless I couldn't see it. All of a sudden I was able to see a tiny bright light. That must be a car or something, I thought. I was right; a few moments later I realized it was the police. The emergency lights and the sirens were unmistakable. They stopped right in front of me. I could barely see because of the high beams. I only heard a policeman screaming “Hands over your head and don't try anything funny.” I did exactly what he said. I was so confused and scared. “What’s the matter officer? I haven’t done anything wrong!” I said. Two of them were pointing their guns at me. They tried to arrest me but I resisted it at first. “John Collins you have killed a man forty minutes ago, you’d better turn yourself in now.”

TO BE CONTINUED! :)

English adjectives usually follow this order:

Quantity or number
Quality or opinion
Size
Age
Shape
Color
Proper adjective (often nationality, other place of origin, or material)
Purpose or qualifier

I agree with Matthew. This is a superb piece of written English.

November 24, 2014

Hola José! Esto es muy buen trabajo. Entonces... here are some suggestions to make your words sound even more natural in English. :-)

I hadn't slept well the night before. I was keeping my eyes open hardly.

Decimos: "I could hardly/barely keep my eyes open."

A skinny, tall, young man came in.

Es más natural decir: "A tall, skinny, young man came in." I don't know why, but we always say "tall" first and follow it with other adjectives. Q: "Can you describe him?" A: "Yes, he was tall. Balding. He had a limp."

“My name is Anthony. But you can call me Tony.” He said and faked a smile.

This is perfect. But it flows better if you said something like: "He said with a fake smile."

“Good. What brings you to my office, Tony?” I queried him inquisitively.

"To query" isn't all that common. We usually use it when we have doubts about something official. It's not wrong here, you used it correctly, but "asked" would be my choice, especially since you added "inquisitively" to your sentence. "To ask inquisitively" just sounds better than "to query inquisitively." :-)

He tried to show a nice smile again.

Aquí, puedes decir: "He flashed another fake smile." Es muy Americano. :-)

Unfortunately, later that day I found out that the company where I was working went broke.

I think what you want to say is "later day day I found out that the company I worked for had gone broke/belly up." Meaning, it happened in the past and you just found out about it now. Maybe?

My lantern finally went off out. I stopped. I couldn't see my the path anymore but I really wanted to get out of that place.

If you mean the lantern ran out of fuel, it's better to say "went out." :-)

I could barely see because of the high beams.

I only heard a policeman screaming “Hands over your head and don't try anything funny.”

“John Collins you have killed a man forty minutes ago, you’d better turn yourself in now.”

OMG this is awesome!

Dios mio, esto es maravilloso!

November 24, 2014

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