[1] While it is lovely, "perfumist" is not an English word. If you mean someone who makes perfume, the word is "perfumer".

[2] You need a 'conjunction' wherever you connect two clauses that would work as separate sentences. Conjunctions include 'and', 'but', 'if', and 'where'. For example, here are two sentences:

"Lucia was a girl who grew up in the countryside. Her parents adored her and were really protective."

To join them together as a single sentence, you need a conjunction:

"Lucia was a girl who grew up in the countryside, where her parents adored her and were really protective."

"Lucia was a girl who grew up in the countryside, and her parents adored her and were really protective."

[3] This is another example of where you need a conjunction. The two clauses would work as separate sentences:

"She would tag along with her mom all day long. They just had so many topics to talk about."

To connect them, you need a conjunction.

"She would tag along with her mom all day long, because they just had so many topics to talk about."
"She would tag along with her mom all day long, as they just had so many topics to talk about."

[4] "That's" is a contraction of "that is", which would provide the wrong tense for your story.

[5] This is an example of a "run on" sentence. You can fix a "run on" sentence either by using a conjunction, or by starting a new sentence.

[6] You have changed the "voice" of the story. Previously, we had a narrator telling us the story of Lucia. In this sentence, the author is suddenly telling us something. I don't think I've explained that too well. Sorry.

[7] The adjective "creaky" describes a sound, so it would not apply to the appearance of an old woman.

[8] Punctuation goes inside the quotation.

[9] Be careful with an ambiguous pronoun. At this point, the reader does not know whether 'she' refers to Lucia or the old woman.

[10] If you sit an English exam or an IELTS test, try not to use the word 'got'. For a casual essay on Italki, it's okay.

[11] The adjective "squeamish" means to feel ill, especially when the person sees something. For example:

"Tom was squeamish at the sight of blood."

For your story, you might write:

"The sight of an open window would make Lucia feel squeamish."

[12] A better word here would be "skittish".

[13] Don't write "she was this luscious woman" or "she went to this river". Again, it changes the "voice" of your story. And again, I have not explained that well.

[14] Because you're making a contrast, a better phrase would be, "other times".

----

Your writing is very, very good.  I implore you to learn about "run on" sentences, because this is easily the greatest weakness with your writing.  Great job!  I look forward to your next story.

One day, she walked into an alley, where she saw this creaky [7] old woman on the ground with a ghoulish dog beside her. “I know the secret of betting,”, [8] she the old woman [9] said, “and I’ll tell you if you give me one dollar, but you can only keep the cash at home if you win.”, [8] Lucia didn’t believe her, but she still gave one dollar to the poor woman. She didn’t have a job for the next few days, so she decided to give it a try with horse betting, and just like that, she won a trifecta and got [10] loads of money. She supposed to be should have been happy with this money but she was not. With that much money at home, she didn’t know where to stash them it, and she couldn’t sleep at night and would prowl around the room wondering if there was someone breaking in. She became this squeamish [11, 12] woman who’s who was not happy at all. One day she was taking her after-dinner constitutional, when she walked to this a [13] river and saw the moon in the river, and she remembered that, when she was little, her dad would carry her, piggyback, and she remembers remembered how it feels felt. Then it came to Lucia,: happiness is a choice. Fame and money are just like the moon in the river,; one can never actually touch it them. And with our lives, sometimes we enjoy competing in the ring, but sometimes [14], maybe we can still enjoy ourselves in the stands eating hotdogs.

Moon in the river part Ⅰ (the second story I made up helping me to remember the words)

Today I’m going to incorporate eighteen words in one story. They are: prowl, tag along, tip one’s hand, luscious, constitutional, alley, creaky, piggyback, lingerie, hock, stash, scratch out, trifecta, ghoulish, squeamish, perfumist [1], in the ring, and in the stand.
Lucia is was a girl who grew up in the countryside, where [2] her parents adored her and were really protective. She would tag along with her mom all day long, because [3] they just had so many topics to talk about. They truly had a happy family. But that’s that was [4] not enough for Lucia and she has had her own secret. Lucia always dreamed of going to the big cities, with the lights shining all day and night, the clubs which are always crowded with people, and the shopping malls full of beautiful dresses,; they were all fascinating to Lucia. More importantly, she was tired of being a country girl. She [5] wanted to be rich and famous, and she really believed she could do be so. Lucia had a special talent with scent, and she wanted to be a perfumist perfumer [1].
But she didn’t want so tip her hand so too early, so she waited, till until the age of 23, and when she finally got her chance to leave the small town and came to New York, big city go to a big city, New York. She could have just started her career in perfume, but soon after she came to arrived in NY, she found there were loads of easier ways to be rich and famous and she forgot what she came for. She was this a luscious young blonde and she soon found herself a job as a lingerie model. It’s every girl’s dream job but the thing is, it’s not a stable one. [6] Soon Lucia found herself short of money. She became this a big-city girl trying to scratch out a living, and she even hocked the ring her mother gave had given her. So, instead of fame, she started to dream of money.