An Old Topic: Competition or Cooperation-Writing Exercise

It is part of the IELTS writing. I know it might be boring. So I would appreciate it if you could tell me where you found it wrong or strange.

Topic: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that students who are taught to cooperate become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Beginning:
In modern society, every individual is confronted with a much1* more fiercer competition than ever before, while a team spirit is still advocated through the completion of group projects. It has remained unresolved/It has been under heated discussion whether children should be taught a sense of competition or a the spirit of teamwork. As far as I am concerned, fostering team spirit plays a more important role in mental health development, than the a sense of competition.

Part of the middle paragraphs(because of the limited space, I didn't post all of them):

Many parents may think fostering a sense of competition since from childhood can help their children gain better opportunities, neglecting the fact that team spirit plays a very important role in children's mental development. A sense of competition can drive students to update push themselves, for the fear of being left behind. However, a strong sense of competition may exert too much pressure on the students, which may lead to high feeling under a lot of pressures, mental disorders or even suicide.

As far as I am concerned, a sense of cooperation is more important than competition for a child. Even though we are independent individuals, we have to rely on each other at school, in workplaces and among family members. Cooperation does not mean complete dependence on other people, but the outcome of critical thinking and the fruit of group intelligence. As more minds are better than one, instilling a sense of cooperation can give incentives for children to communicate, cooperate and learn from others, while a simple sense of competition can result in selfishness and aggression, not to mention that too much pressure brought on by competition can cause irreparable consequences.

Endding:
In this globalized world, we are looking for cooperative minds, who are able to communicate with people from different cultural backgrounds and know how to assign tasks to reach the best outcome, rather than those who are simply equipped with a sense of competition.

***
I think the ending is rather weak, but just don't know how to amend it.

Thank you for any correction!

Kailin

1* 'A much fiercer competition' would be ok but just sounds strange to me.

Having read it again you could make it more varied by alternating 'competition / a sense of competition' with expresions with 'competitive'. eg 'Each individual is faced with surviving in a much more competitive enviroment than ever before'

Generally what most impresses me is that the register and type of language and expressions is excellent for this type of writing. Quite formal but also expressive and varied.

An Old Topic: Competition or Cooperation-Writing Exercise

It is part of the IELTS writing. I know it might be boring. So I would appreciate it if you could tell me where you found wrong or strange.

Topic: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that students who are taught to cooperate become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Beginning: 
In modern society, every individual is confronted with a fiercer competition than ever before, while a team spirit is still advocated through the completion of group projects. It has remained unresolved/It has been under heated discussion whether children should be taught a sense of competition or a spirit of teamwork. As far as I am concerned, fostering team spirit plays a more important role in the mental health development, than the sense of competition.

Part of the middle paragraphs (because of the limited space, I didn't post all of them):

Many parents may think fostering a sense of competition since childhood can help their children gain better opportunities, neglecting the fact that team spirit plays a very important role in children's mental development. A sense of competition can drive students to update themselves, for the fear of being left behind. However, a strong sense of competition may exert too much pressure on the students, which may lead to high pressures, mental disorders or even suicide.

As far as I am concerned, a sense of cooperation is more important than competition for a child. Even though we are independent individuals, we have to rely on each other at school, in workplaces and among family members. Cooperation does not mean complete dependence on other people, but the outcome of critical thinking and the fruit of group intelligence. As more minds are better than one, instilling a sense of cooperation can give incentives for children to communicate, cooperate and learn from others, while a simple sense of competition can result in selfishness and aggression, not to mention that too much pressure brought by competition can cause irreparable consequences.

Ending:
In this globalized world, we are looking for cooperative minds, who are able to communicate with people from different cultural backgrounds and know how to assign tasks to reach the best outcome, rather than those who are simply equipped with a sense of competition.

***
I think the ending is rather weak, but just don't know how to amend it.

Thank you for any correction!

Kailin

Some comments:

Articles.

'A sense of ...' is a collocation applied to general concepts without distinction of a specific case from the general case. eg as sense of duty, a sense of destiny, etc. So in this case I would prefer 'a sense of competition..' to 'the sense of competition ‘A fiercer competition' is specific but 'team spirit' is general so better without article.

Update- sounds too much like a computer function to me. I would say 'can drive students to better/improve themselves.’ Maybe in the specific context of technology 'to update their IT skills'.

Connectors
You use- 'As far as I'm concerned' twice. Also, although this expression is used to express your opinion it can also imply 'I'm only interested in this if it effects me'. To indicate that it is my opinion you could alternate with ' From my point of view, As I see it, It seems to me that, if you ask me.'

Pressure
uncountable noun - pressure-

If they are specific you can talk about plural pressures eg.'the pressures of working life'
blood pressure can be high or low but 'pressure' in work is - 'a lot of pressure' or 'not much pressure' or 'much pressure' which you correctly used.
The usual collocation is 'to be under pressure' (listen to the Queen song)
so finally 'which may lead to being under a lot of pressure.'

Making it interesting.
Do you mean content or language? My impression is that it doesn't matter too much if the content is boring in IELTS. They always ask about inoffensive topics to avoid political clashes- recycling, etc. But they do want interesting language.
So for the ending you could add some more sophisticated structures.

 not only...but also...:
Today’s globalised world is incredibly demanding on young people. Not only do they need to know how to communicate with... but also how to assign....

Or an unusual conditional - were subject to be + past simple
Were they to be simply equipped with a sense of competition they would find themselves unprepared to communicate...

using 'whoever'
'Whoever says that competitiveness is the only requirement should look again at ...

The sentence I liked best is :

As more minds are better than one, instilling a sense of cooperation can give incentives...