As for the solution to the problems cited in the essay, which our society is faced with to some degree extent, I [1] also [2] hold that education should be given priority. After all, education serves to instill in students a set of fundamental values, such as tolerance and respect, upon which the general mood of society is based. They [3] can best be taught in schools where students can work their value systems out as they interact with their peers. Besides, values are caught as well as taught, so teachers of good character can contribute to this goal by acting as a role models [4]. Finally, educational systems should develop more forms of participation and engagement among students, such as interest groups, student associations and volunteer work.
In summary [5], while the essay may clearly articulate America’s pressing social ills, in China it seems to be an overstatement. Social disconnectedness coexists with social progress and is to some degree another form of social social capital [6]. Besides, providing the young [7] with ability and principle of cooperation to promote social engagement by educational systems is a good choice.
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[1] You should avoid mixing first-person and third-person points of view. If you are asked to state your opinion, you should use the first-person point of view only in the introduction. Thereafter, use only the third-person point of view. In other words, use the first-person point of view to state your opinion, and then use the third-person point of view to state the facts that back up your opinion.
[2] The word 'also' is ambiguous. Are you suggesting that the cited essay's solution was education? Or are you suggesting that, in addition to the essay's solution, you also believe education to be a further solution?
[3] The pronoun 'they' is very ambiguous. Does it refer to the values, or to the students? (That ambiguity is resolved later, but the sentence is hard to read since it starts in an ambiguous manner.)
[4] Be careful with singular and plural forms. You started the sentence by referring to "teachers" (plural), and hence you should then refer to "role models" (plural).
[5] The words 'sum' and 'summary' are different and not interchangeable.
[6] "Social capital" is a very technical phrase, that would only have meaning to those who work in related fields. Unless you are writing for someone who is in one of those fields, this phrase should be explained.
[7] The word 'youth' would be much better here. The word 'young' suggests a child who is only in primary school, or not yet of school age. The word 'youth' is broader, and covers people in primary school, high school, and perhaps even tertiary education.
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Your command of English is superb! Your writing is better than most native English speakers.
However, if you are preparing for an IELTS or similar examination, I recommend that you research essay writing. An academic essay generally has a very well-defined structure, which your essay does not have. I believe you would lose significant marks due to the lack of structure in your essay. I say this not to be rude, but to suggest a direction for further learning. I truly don't mean that to seem rude, so I will repeat that your writing is superb.
