Commentary
The author's claim is that American society has been become [1] silently disconnected , and that we need to encourage participation among the youth in order to create social capital. This claim has considerable merit with respect to education's function. However, while the claim that community is deteriorating may be justifiable in America, I tend to disagree when it comes to our own country [2].
At first glance [3] empirical evidence may lend credence to the author’s statement. As social media develops, we put pay more attention on to electronic devices and less on real social intercourse [4]. The urbanization process has led a mass migration from the countryside to the city, where people tend to live more independently from neighbours [5] and relatives, and in smaller families. Furthermore, higher education seems to give people more ability and skills to think about and deal with things by themselves. All these might wither the bonds of social community. However, upon further reflection it is clear that educational and technological developments as well as urbanization come along advance with social process [6]. It is probable that every society has the same worry that people become more indifferent and disengaged, which may be only a fuss needless concern. For the unity and engagement might very well appear themselves in a new form.
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[1] There is a subtle difference between "been" and "become" here, even though both are grammatically correct.
"American society has been disconnected." This suggests that an external party (such as government) has brought about American society's disconnection. For example, if you wrote, "The computer has been disconnected," you'd think that a person has actively disconnected it.
"American society has become disconnected." This suggests that it is the American society itself that has brought about its own disconnection. For example, if you wrote, "The computer has become disconnected," you'd think that the computer itself has caused the disconnection.
[2] This comment is problematic. By mentioning China, the rest of the essay is vague—are you now talking about American society, or Chinese society?
[3] The phrase "at first glance" is used to introduce a superficial observation, after which a deeper observation is usually made. For example: "At first glance, the book is a simple murder mystery. However, the protagonist's journey of self-discovery elevates the book to a work of existentialism."
Since you do not go on to dismiss the "first glance", it would be better to omit this introduction and simply write: "Empirical evidence may lend credence to the author’s statement."
[4] The word 'intercourse', in this context, usually means talking. The word 'interaction' is broader, covering both verbal and non-verbal connections between people, and may be a better choice.
[5] You've used the British spelling. If you're working toward an IELTS or similar examination, you may wish to use American spelling. Elsewhere in this essay you have used American spelling.
[6] Do you mean social "progress"?
Moreover, if we define a “connected” society broadly--in terms with of tolerance acceptance [7] of differing viewpoints and of those different from us, respect for individual rights, together collective efforts towards common goals, and cooperation across regional and cultural boundaries, then China’s [8] society has progressed instead of regressed. We are becoming more sensitive to, and respectful of, the rights of women, various ethnic, racial and religious groups, homosexuals, and mentally- and physically-challenged individuals. The past year has seen an a resolution to protect our natural environment by through vehicle restrictions and the use of clean energy. Even from an international perspective, the expansion of cross-border trade and cooperative research against public health problems are proof that nowadays people are still as socialized as ever.
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[7] To "tolerate something" means that that something annoys you or is a problem for you, but you don't interfere. To "accept something" means that that something does not annoy you and is not a problem for you. Therefore, to say that society 'tolerates' a group of people is actually extremely rude.
[8] The essay is very vague as to whether you are talking about American society, Chinese society, or society in general.
I'll add some general comments to my corrections of Part 2 of your essay:
This is a commentary of an essay. I cannot put the whole original essay here or find it on the internet, so here is my summary of it.
Summary
The essay reports on ways of dealing with today’s American social disengagement, a problem occurs silently and unnoticedly. The author holds that in order to create social capital in the considerable changed society, both institutional approaches--such as structures and policies, and individual actions should be taken. Then the author summarizes that to restore community six fields require attention,and he states that his main focus: youth and schools.Civics education has long been discussed. Now it is necessary for schools and teachers to reform it into a form that encourage more student participation in activities and public changes. Other solutions such as voluntary programs also work, which needs deconcentrating big schools.Aside from schools, other parts of the educational system should also participate to improve civic engagement. In sum, in an increasingly disconnected society, both and individual should work together to promote social unity and activity, and education should be given precedence.
