Cathy
Can you help me correct my composition?---My Dream When I was a little kid, I always dreamed of becoming a diplomat someday. After I learned English----the international language, this desire is even stronger, I became fascinated about the International and multicultural environment. Since then, working or studying in such an environment has become my invariable pursue, that is also the reason why I chose to study International Economic Law during my graduate study. Through my love for the International environment and my efforts in learning English, I got a 6.5 point result in the IELTS exam. As a matter of fact, this score is enough for me to apply for a foreign University and go on studying. However, I have to give up my ambition of studying abroad temporarily because of the high tuition. Fortunately, your information gives me the hope, and draw me nearer to my dream. I always hope to work in the environment where I can meet people from all over the world, which would bring me an international perspective. You give me the chance to make it come true. In addition, although I have studied the basic knowledge about European Commission in the University, I want to learn more about its operation process as well as the internal workings of the European institutions, and put what I have learned into practice. In the end, I hope that I can lay a foundation for my future career from this opportunity. You opened a window for my life, and made me know my dream is not as far-fetched as I thought before. In terms of the qualification, my aspiration to integrate into the international environment gives me the willingness to learn more about the European Commission's working methods. And it will be possible that as a non EU citizen from China, my unique perspective could give you some suggestions and make a bit of contribution to your daily work. As I have mentioned before, this working environment is the one I like best, it will definitely stir up me to the enthusiasm of the work. I believe it will be an important experience in my whole life!
Jan 27, 2015 6:05 AM
Corrections · 7
1

Can you help me correct my composition?--- My Dream

When I was a little kid, I always dreamed of becoming a diplomat someday. After I learned English----, the international language, this desire is became even stronger, and I became fascinated about with the international [1] and multicultural environments. Since then, working or studying in such an environment has become my invariable pursue constant pursuit,. that It is also the reason why I chose to study International Economic Law during my graduate study. Through my love for the international environment and my efforts in learning English, I got a 6.5 point result in the IELTS exam. As a matter of fact, this score is enough for me to apply for to a foreign university and go on continue studying. However, I have to give up my ambition of studying abroad temporarily because of the high tuition fees. Fortunately, your [2] information gives me the hope, and draws me nearer to my dream.

I always hope [3] to work in the an environment where I can meet people from all over the world, which would bring me an international perspective. You give have given [4] me the chance to make it come true [5].

 

(Italki limits the length of replies, so I must stop here.  Please reply if you'd like me to correct the remainder of your composition.)

 

----

[1] The word 'international', when used as a general noun, does not have a capital letter.  

 

[2] To whom does 'your' refer?  It seems like you're writing a letter to someone.  If so, you should provide a brief introduction to your Italki composition.  Otherwise, we can't say whether you are using appropriate wording. 

 

[3] You can start the sentence in at least two ways.  The first way stresses your current hope:

"I hope to work in an environment..."

The second way stresses that you have long had this hope:

"I have always hoped to work in an environment..."

 

[4] I cannot determine the context of your composition.  In some respects it feels like an application.  In other respects it feels like a thank you.  Without knowing the context, I am not sure of the correct wording here.  My correction of 'have given' may or may not be correct.

 

[5] A native speaker uses the phrase "come true" to refer to a dream.  We would use a word like 'achieve', 'attain', or 'realize' to refer to a hope.  As examples:

"My dream is to work in an international environment.  You have given me the chance to make it come true."

"My hope is to work in an international environment. You have given me the chance to achieve this."

 

January 27, 2015

In addition, although I have studied the basic knowledge about basics of the European Commission in at the university, I want to learn more about its operation process operations as well as the internal workings of the European institutions, and put what I have learned into practice. In the end [6], I hope that I can lay a foundation for my future career from this opportunity [7]. You have opened a window for my life, and made let me know my dream is not as far-fetched as I thought before [8]


In terms of the qualification [9], my aspiration to integrate into the international environment gives me the willingness to learn more about the European Commission's working methods [10]. And it will is be possible that, as a non-EU citizen from China, my unique perspective could give you provide some suggestions and make a bit of small contribution to your daily work. As I have mentioned before, this working environment is the one I like best, and it will definitely stir up me to the drive my enthusiasm of for the work [11].

I believe it will be an important experience in my whole life!

 

----

[6] You don't need to say, "In the end."  Your sentence would be stronger without these words.

 

[7] I don't know the context of your composition. However, it may be both impolite and impolitic to suggest an organization is merely a stepping stone in your career. 

 

[8] It would be better to end the sentence as follows:

"... my dream is not as far-fetched as I previously thought."

 

[9] I don't know what you mean by "In terms of qualification."  The words and the grammar are correct, but the phrase does not seem to apply to the sentence.

 

[10] The sentence is grammatically correct.  However, we would refer to this as a "long-winded sentence".  Why not use a simple sentence?

"I hope to learn more about the European Commission."

"I hope to contribute to the European Commission's work in the internatinal community."

 

[11] I have corrected the sentence, but it's still not a great sentence.

 

----

If this is a university assignment, or an IELTS composition, your current writing is good enough.  If this is a real letter for your career, you should ask your teacher or language partner to help improve the letter.

January 27, 2015

---My Dream

When I was a little kid, I always dreamed of becoming a diplomat someday. After I learned English----the international language, this desire has become even stronger, I became fascinated with the International and multicultural environment. Since then, working or studying in such an environment has become my invariable pursue, that is also the reason why I chose to study International Economic Law during my undergraduate study. Through my love for the International environment and my efforts in learning English, I got a 6.5 point result in the IELTS exam. As a matter of fact, this score is enough for me to apply for a foreign University and go on studying. However, I have to give up my ambition of studying abroad temporarily because of the high tuition. Fortunately, your information gives me the hope, and draw me nearer to my dream.

I always hoped to work in the environment where I can meet people from all over the world, which would bring me an international perspective. You give me the chance to make it come true. In addition, although I have studied the basic knowledge about European Commission in the University, I want to learn more about its operation process as well as the internal workings of the European institutions, and put what I have learned into practice. In the end, I hope that I can lay a foundation for my future career from this opportunity. You opened a window for my life, and made me know my dream is not as far-fetched as I thought before.

In terms of the qualification, my aspiration to integrate into the international environment gives me the willingness to learn more about the European Commission's working methods. And it will be possible that as a non EU citizen from China, my unique perspective could give you some suggestions and make a bit of contribution to your daily work. As I have mentioned before, this working environment is the one I like best, it will definitely stir me up to the enthusiasm of the work.

I believe it will be an important experience in my whole life!

January 27, 2015
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