Sonia
Part of Self Introduction (Speaking Practice) While having been working for years at a regular company in a different field, I feel that now is the time to let my passion lead in my life and take a step in the right direction. I wish to start and build my career up in ----, and for this, I have decided to apply to your school. I hear that your school has an excellent reputation for its faculty and curriculum meeting the needs of the students. I would like to have the opportunity to hone my knowledge and skills of ---- with your school.
May 23, 2015 2:48 PM
Corrections · 4

Part of Self Introduction (Speaking Practice)

 

While having I've been working for years at a regular company in adifferent irrelevant field, but I feel that now is the time to let my passion lead me in my life and take a step in the right direction. I wish to start and building my career up in ----, and for to fulfill this, I have decided to apply to your school. I hear that Your school has an excellent reputation for its faculty and curriculum meeting the needs of the students. I would like love to have the opportunity to hone my knowledge and skills of ---- with your [insert adjective here] school.

 

Don't tell a school that you "heard that" they have an excellent reputation, tell them that you <em>know</em> <em>that </em>they have an excellent reputation! Similar with some other parts of the introduction, sometimes you have to speak with more certainty to really make your case. Keep up the good writing, Sonia!

May 24, 2015

Part of Self Introduction (Speaking Practice)

While I've been working for years at a company in a different field, I feel that now is the time to pursue my passion in life and take a step towards ensuring a better future for myself. I wish to start building a career in (<em>education/finance/etc.</em>----), and for this reason, I have decided to apply to your school. I hear that your school has an excellent reputation for its faculty and curriculum meeting the needs of the students. I would like to have the opportunity to hone my knowledge and skills in( ----) with your school.

 

Highlighted Portion: Even though your English is fine here, you have started almost every sentence with "I" so you don't want to sound redundant. You could say something like "Your school is renowned for its(<em>whatever you want to say about the school</em>) and I would love to have the opportunity to (<em>etc</em>.)".

May 24, 2015
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