watermom
ABOUT page part 1 This is my ABOUT article in my etsy shop, is it ok as a shop story? I think it maybe too long. I just post the part one here. Any suggest? I';v check it by my WORD software, but I';m not sure it's correct. I need some help. Story Headline: MY SHOP NAME Story: Hi, my name is Watermom, and I am a self-taught artist who lives in China. Most of my painting is by Chinese brush, color and ink, but I’m trying watercolor, oil ……maybe paper cutting? Who knows, even myself didn’t know I would paint like a painter one day. I like to record, record something that make me think, laugh, give me energy, inspire me, etc. I use words, photos, pencils, color and brush to record them; they could be an image, an beam of light an idea, even some feeling, something I cannot say exactly, without shape. So painting is just my little hobby, I paint for myself, I never think would paint for someone else. I have worked in the advertising field for more than 10 years, as designer and art director in a 4a advertising agency. I love this job, brain storm, thinking ideas, brand, and commercial art, etc. But it’s not a perfect job to me. Why? It’s about my another hobby, travelling. I need more time to travel. How to make a living doing something I love, and having more time to travel? I think open an art shop; paint for people is a good idea. …………………………………………………………………………... I have a partner, his name is MOMO, and he is not a real person in the real world. They say when you are writing your item’s description you need to think as a shopper, so here comes MOMO as a virtual buyer, in my head. I'm still finding my own style and trying some styles i loved, so that's why there is so many different kind of art on my shop. Maybe it is not good for marketing, but I just follow my heart, every new stroke on each of my painting give me a fresh feeling, and the emotion i feel flow through my brush to the paper too. ◕_◕ ← He's MOMO …………………………………………………………………………..
Sep 29, 2015 8:55 AM
Corrections · 3

ABOUT page part 1

This is my ABOUT article in my etsy shop, is it ok as a shop story (What is a shop story)? I think it's maybe too long. I just post the part one here. Any suggest (suggestions)?
I';v check it by with my WORD software (Microsoft Word/ my word processor/ my editor), but I';m not sure if it's correct. I need some help.

Story Headline:
MY SHOP NAME

Story:
Hi, my name is Watermom, and I am a self-taught artist who lives in China.
Most of my painting is by Chinese brush, color and ink, but I’m trying watercolor, oil ……, andmaybe paper cutting?. Who knows, even myself didn’t know I would paint like a painter one day. I never knew/thought I would become a painter one day.
I like to record, record something (this is like when I write chinese articles and I use 东西 every where) that make me think, laugh, give me energy, inspire me, etc (It's not necessary to use etc here and it's also ambiguous as to what other items (I'm guessing happy emotions) you are referring to. http://grammarist.com/usage/et-cetera-etc/). I use words, photos, pencils, color and brush to record draw/create (record usually refers to capturing some type of media such as recording music or recording a video) them (It wasn't clear to me what 'them' is referring to and so I deleted the word) art they could be  in the form of an image, an a beam of light representing? an idea, even some feeling, something I cannot say exactly, without shape.
So painting is just my little hobby, I paint for myself, I never think would paint for someone else.
I have worked in the advertising field for more than 10 years, as designer and art director in a 4a (Out of curiosity, what is a 4a ad agency?) advertising agency. I love this job, brain storm, thinking ideas, brand, and commercial art, etc. (When listing out items, you have to make sure that all the items are the same part of speech and the items usually are nouns. For example, if we break down the sentence, the items are  job (noun), brain storm (verb), thinking [about] ideas (a present participle, which ends up being like a noun http://www.slu.edu/colleges/AS/languages/classical/latin/tchmat/grammar/whprax/w23pplex.html Read the part about substansives), brand (noun), commercial art). Here there are 3 types (noun, verb, and nouns ending with ing). Make sure that if you are using any -ing nouns in your sentence, that all other items end with -ing. For example, I love swimming, eating, and watching moves. If you want to use verbs, you can say I love to swim, eat, and watch movies.

 

I love this job since it involves brainstorming, thinking about branding, and creating about commercial art


But it’s not a perfect job to me. Why?
It’s about (What is 'it' referring to?) my another hobby, travelling. I need more time to travel. How to make a living doing something I love, and having more time to travel? I think open an art shop; paint for people is a good idea.

Being an artist is not a perfect job because it does not allow time for travel.
…………………………………………………………………………...
(Since the following is just your side comment, I didn't make any corrections)
I have a partner, his name is MOMO, and he is not a real person in the real world. They say when you are writing your item’s description you need to think as a shopper, so here comes MOMO as a virtual buyer, in my head.
I'm still finding my own style and trying some styles i loved, so that's why there is so many different kind of art on my shop. Maybe it is not good for marketing, but I just follow my heart, every new stroke on each of my painting give me a fresh feeling, and the emotion i feel flow through my brush to the paper too.

◕_◕ ← He's MOMO
…………………………………………………………………………..

 

Summary:

1. You don't need to use etc here. In this short essay, each time you used 'etc' it was not clear to me what items.

2. When listing out items, make sure all the items are same part of speech and same tense. For example (I like swimming, eating, and watching moves) vs (I like to swim, eat, and watch movies)

3. Small grammar point: Make sure you know the difference between a and an. Why is 'a beam of light ' correct instead of 'an beam of light'


October 4, 2015
Want to progress faster?
Join this learning community and try out free exercises!