Practice: IELTS Writing Task 2 (Cambridge Book-8, Practice-1)

Topic: Some people think that parents should teach how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Answer:
Children need to learn many things, especially how to become good members of society, in addition to learning reading and writing like being good members of society. Different People have many different opinions (avoid repeating words) regarding who should teach the children about the way of becoming good members of society. Some of them argue that the responsibility should go to parents while others advocate that it is the schools’ responsibility.

To begin with, parents are the most closed closest and most trusted persons people (the plural of "person" is usually "people". You may see "persons" sometimes in formal contexts, but avoid using it yourself or you might sound unnatural) for to children; therefore, they can teach them children more effectively how to be good members of society. Moreover, children spend most of their time with their parents and engage in social activities together. Therefore, parents can teach them practically regarding this issue. Additionally, as parents know their children’s specific attitude and motivation, they can teach them accordingly, which might not possible in the school. For example, many social sociological studies showed that parents are the best guide to their children.

On the other hand, schools are dedicated to teaching and learning. Besides, teachers are trained in methods of effective teaching. As a result, children can learn lessons in a more organized way in their schools. As the future of children is depends not only on learning of reading and writing, but also on how good they are as members of society, the school should take the responsibility of teaching the knowledge of becoming how to become good social members too. In addition to that, during school time, children interact with their peers are in interaction with fellow members; therefore, the teachers can guide them practically, as good members of society, how to behave with others the fellow members.

In conclusion, I think, both the parents and the school should take the responsibility of teaching the children the lessons of becoming good members of society. Thereby, we will get a better society and a better future generation, which is very important for this knowledge based modern life.

Blue = suggestions

Red = mistakes

Highlighted = comments

Your grammar is very varied, and you would get a good score for grammar. You also stick to the topic well, and provide a number of good ideas. So you'd get a good score for task achievement too, but would lose marks because this is too long (stick to 225 to 275 words). I think your intro could be slightly shorter too, roughly half the length of a body paragraph is good, 2 long or 3 short sentences.

Your vocab is quite diverse, but you should definitely avoid repetition, and you could improve by using some more advanced words and collocations. Take a look at this excellent article: http://www.italki.com/article/444/transform-your-academic-english-skills-with-these-50-collocations#.VlMGIb-Odqk

The biggest problem with this is the overuse of linking words. Yes, IELTS examiners like to see linking words in your writing, but just use one or two per paragraph. If you use a linking word in every sentence, you will lose marks.

Well done! Keep it up my friend!