Look at it this way: 'rather than' emphasises a preference and 'instead of' emphasises a choice. Whereas 'instead of' is not usually followed by an infinitive. Thus: I go to parties with people I can´t stand rather than upset my friend. I go to parties with people I can´t stand instead of upsetting my friend.

Hi Ana, You are describing a preference between two choices. 1) go to a party with people you can't stand. 2) upset your friend. You use "would rather" and "than" to indicate your preference. Your sentence structure is this: I would rather ____(preferred choice)____ than _____ (not the preferred choice). Therefore, your sentence should be: I would rather go to parties with people I can't stand than upset my friend. If you use "instead of", it describes an unexpected outcome. Example: instead of showing appreciation, he walked away. (Unexpected) Your sentence is describing things that you do but you prefer not to do. Therefore, "instead of" is not appropriate in this case. Hope this helps. Cheers, Lance

I just stumbled on your question and here is my answer in "layman's" terms (i.e. I am not a grammar expert!). I say that you can use either "rather than" or "instead of." It would be very natural for me to say either: I go to parties with people I can't stand rather than upsetting my friend (rather than signifies: "so I don't upset my friend"). Or I would use "instead of" like this: I go to parties with people I can't stand instead of upsetting my friend. I think they both sound fine when using the "ing" form of the verb, upsetting. Another variation: I go to parties with people I can't stand rather than running the risk of upsetting my friend (or: I go to parties with people I can't stand instead of running the risk of upsetting my friend).