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Patri Alv F
Memories of yesterday. Yesterday, I thought you were the only one. The definitive. That you were for me. And me, for you. I would guard you until the end. That would not hurt me and would not let me ever want. Because being together, hearts beating as one. Because what we felt for each other had no name, was indescribable. Today, I feel cheated. I can hardly believe it. I can see how you've changed. You're not for me. I am not for you. I missed your affection when I've needed. Did not you care it deserved. I've been the one who has been honest. I felt heart. But for you, it was all a game. A rather macabre game. What hurts today, tomorrow will make me stronger.
5 nov. 2014 12:08
Corrections · 8
2

<em>I think this is somewhat hard to correct, because it is creative writing and it is written in a very personal way. Normally in formal writing, you must have a noun AND a verb or you have a sentence fragment. In creative writing that is not always the case.</em><em></em>

 

Memories of yesterday.

Yesterday, I thought you were the only one. The definitive. That you were for me. (<em>For me, it would read better if you said:  Yesterday, I thought you were the only one, the definitive. That you were for me, and I, for you.) </em> And me, for you. I would guard you until the end. That <em>You</em> would not hurt me and  <em>or</em> would not let me ever want. Because being <em>Always </em>together, hearts beating as one. Because what we felt for each other had no name, was indescribable. <em>(Or:  What we felt for each other was nameless, indescribable.)</em>

Today, I feel cheated. I can hardly believe it. I can see how you've changed. You're <em>Or:  (You are not for me.) </em>not for me. I am not for you. I missed your affection when I've needed <em>it</em>. Did not you care it deserved <em>(Could be either: Did you not care that I deserved it? or: Didn't you care I deserved it?)</em>. I've been the one who has been (maybe say: who was honest) honest. I felt heart. <em>brokenhearted (or heartbroken).</em> But for you, it was all a game. A rather macabre game.

What hurts today, tomorrow will make me stronger. <em>(I suggest the last sentence start with the word "Tomorrow". With the three paragraphs starting with Yesterday, then Today, then Tomorrow, it makes it a much more powerful statement)</em>

5 novembre 2014
1

I would not correct this. The highest level of communication is emotion.  You expressed your emotion so well it is still remains even in a different language.   Corrections are for everyday functional language and tests. 

12 novembre 2014
Yes, Mumtaz! I'm sure! Thank you so much :)
5 novembre 2014
True Patri; what doesn't break you, makes you stronger:) so be happy you are stronger now and never look back... Good luck (,")
5 novembre 2014
Thank you so much Marcela! :)
5 novembre 2014
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