The Breadwinner

An 11 year old girl, named Parvana, lives in Kabul, Afghanistan with her parents and three siblings. One day, Taliban soldiers burst into her house and captured her father (due to) because he had a foreign educational background. Her family went to the jail (and wanted) to persuade the police to release her father, but they were beaten for being outspoken. After that, her mother was depressed and (couldn’t move away on her mattress)-became bedridden.

Parvana has an older sister and two younger brothers. In Afghanistan, woman can’t go out without a male companion. Without (choice) any other options, Parvana had to cut her long, beautiful hair (and dressed)-to dress as a boy for going out and buying food. She also managed to make money to (bring)-buy bread for her family.

(He)-She had a business plan to open a “portable shop” by using trays to move their wares around. However, they didn’t have money to buy trays, and at last they figured out they could dig out the bones from the graveyard and make money for buying trays.

At the end of the story, Parvana made a friend named Shauzia, but soon they had to leave each other. The two girls (had)-made a deal that 20 years later they would meet in France at the top of Eiffel Tower.

We can’t (image)-imagine how hard it is for a young girl try to (bring)-buy bread for her family in a war-torn country! Life has been hard for many people there. Those of us who live in a peaceful country should cherish our life and take each day as a gift.

* Shannon - Nice work to report on those that have a most difficult life. We can appreciate ours more! Nice job writing, and just a few awkward verb phrases for the most part. - Jeff

The Breadwinner

An 11 years old girl Parvana lives in Kabul, Afghanistan with her parents and three siblings. One day, Taliban soldiers burst into her house and captured her father due to the fact* he had a foreign education background. Her family went to the jail and wanted to persuade the police to release her father, but they were beaten for being outspoken. After that, her mother was depressed and couldn’t move away from her mattress.

Parvana has an older sister and two younger brothers. In Afghanistan, women can’t go out without a male companion, so without a/any choice Parvana had to cut her beautiful long hair and dress as a boy for going out and buying food. She also managed to make money to bring bread to her family.

She had a business plan to open a “portable shop”, using trays to move their wares around. However, they didn’t have money to buy trays, and at last they figured out they could dig out the bones from the graveyard and make money for buying trays.

At the end of the story, Parvana made a friend, her name was Shauzia, but soon they had to leave each other. The two girls had a deal that 20 years later they would meet in France at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

We can’t image how hard a young girl tries to bring bread home for her family in a war-torn country! Life has been hard for many people. We who live in a peaceful country should cherish our life and take each day as a gift.

[* Or: "her father because he had".]