Essay: THE EMPTY HOUSE Hi guys! Someone who wanted to revise it? Thanks in advanced! :-) When I was younger (about 13) my friends and I used to go to an old house which was on outskirts of my vi

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Essay: THE EMPTY HOUSE Hi guys! Someone who wanted to revise it? Thanks in advanced! :-) When I was younger (about 13) my friends and I used to go to an old house which was on outskirts of my village. It was completely empty. There we played a lot of games and told scary stories. One day, while we were sitting on the floor we heard a funny noise. I asked aloud “There’s someone there?”, but no one answered. We were so frightened. Suddenly, we saw a man who taken a gun on his hand. All of us run away as fast as we could. When I got home I told my mom what had happened. She didn’t believe me... even she laugh at me. So I decided not come back there again. A few days later, someone was murdered into the empty house. My mother apologized to me and held in her arms crying.

2014年6月20日 15:57

訂正 · 7

The Empty House

When I was about thirteen years old, my friends and I would go to an old, vacant house on the outskirts of the village we lived in. This house was completely empty, and we would play games and tell scary stories inside. One day while we were sitting on the floor we heard a strange noise. I shouted "is someone there?” but no one answered, and we all got scared. Suddenly we noticed a man holding a gun in his hand. We all ran away as fast as we could.
When I got home I told my mom what had happened. She didn’t believe me; she even laughed at me, so I decided not to ever back there again. A few days later, someone was murdered inside that empty house. and when my mother found out, she apologized and held me in her arms and cried.

This is a good story. Please notice the revisions in blue italics.
There is no need to use parentheses, just spell out numbers if possible using two words or less. I added some adjectives and changed others to better describe your tale in English. Remember that the best writers do not "tell" the story, they"show" us the story; do you understand?
Please keep up your writing. It is a good way to build vocabulary and to gain understanding of the mood or feeling that foreign words convey. :)

2014年6月20日

Essay: THE EMPTY HOUSE

Hi guys! Someone who wanted to revise it? Thanks in advanced! :-) Anyone want to correct this? Thanks in advance

When I was younger (about 13) my friends and I used to go to an old house which was on the outskirts of my village. It was completely empty. There we played a lot of games and told each other scary stories. (puedes decir también "shared")
One day, while we were sitting on the floor we heard a funny noise. I asked aloud “There’s someone is anyone there?”, but no one answered. We were so frightened. Suddenly, we saw a man who had taken a gun on in his hand. All of us run ran away as fast as we could. When I got home I told my mom what had happened (aquí en inglaterra nos decimos "mum"). She didn’t believe me... even she even laughed at me. So I decided not come to go back there again.
A few days later, someone was murdered into the in that empty house. My mother apologized to me and held in her arms crying.