Lissa
Application to a School I am very interested in retail because of my previous experiences and the module “Retail management” I attended in XXX. Furthermore, I have been selected and I participated at the XXX Immersion Program and I could listen to the seniors of different brands of the group XXX. The company which cut my eye is XXX, because I felt the company has a great sense of human value and the workers seemed to me very passionate. Because of all this, I would like to work in retail development for this maison. I think the XXX is a real opportunity to me. I know that I still have a lot to learn about this very complex industry where the business is totally different from other industries (e.g. consumer behavior). The study trip is also a great event to develop a network and approach concretely this world. I am also aware that XXX is recruiting from XXX and I think it will increase my chance to go toward my dream. Moreover, I know that the Campus has very active student life and there are many associations and clubs. I am willing to join the fashion club “XXX” to be part of the dynamic student life, and certainly enrich my CV. The last three years showed me that XXX is a good international school with great facilities and services. I think it is a great environment for educational and professional success.
2015年4月26日 23:48
訂正 · 5

Good piece of writing, here are some corrections, most of the corrections have been made to give your writing are more natural feel.

 

Application to a School

I am very interested in retail because of my previous experiences and the module “Retail management” I attended in XXX. Furthermore, I have been was selected and I participated at in the XXX Immersion Program and where I could I was able to listen to the seniors of different brands of from the group XXX. The company with whom which I cut my eye teeth is XXX, because I felt thise company had a great sense of human value and the workers seemed to be very passionate. Because of all this, This company inspired me I would like to work in retail development. for this (or your?) retail house.
I think the XXX is a real opportunity for me. I know that I still have a lot to learn about this very complex industry where the business is totally different from other industries (e.g. consumer behavior). I am very interested in the study trip which is also a great event opportunity to develop a network and take a solid approach to concretely this world. I am also aware that XXX is recruiting from XXX and I think this will increase my chance to move towards my dream. Moreover, I know that the Campus has a very active student life and there are many associations and clubs. I am willing to join I would love to be invloved in the fashion club “XXX” to be part of the dynamic student life, and this would certainly enrich my CV. .
The last three years have showed me that XXX is a good international school with great facilities and services. I think it is a great environment for educational and professional success.

 

"I am willing to join", means "I don't really want to but I will do it becasue I have to". So I changed it to sound like you were more interested in it.

 

Thanks, and good luck!

 

 

2015年4月27日
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