1) isn't oxymoron because there's no apparent contradiction anywhere. I think it's hyperbole because it's exaggerated. It's NOT completely impossible that the speaker might change their mind and start dieting.
2) "Splash" is indeed an onomatopoetic word. There are many omomatopoetic words referring to water: splash, gush, spurt, tinkle, bubble, simmer, drip... even "wash," now that I think of it.
3) This is definitely irony and definitely not oxymoron. "Irony" is complicated and has more than one meaning. The Wikipedia article on "irony" is very good. This is an example of "cosmic irony," where fate or the universe does the opposite of what you'd expect. You are right that #4 is similar.
5) This is your only example that is an oxymoron. The speaker, at a loss for a direct word that is strong enough to express how delicious the cake is, intentionally uses a word that means the exact opposite. It's clever because eating too much cake can make you feel sick, so it suggests that the cake is so good you will overeat.
(In #5, "digustingly" should be "disgustingly," and in #2, "splash" should be "splashed."
"Irony" is tricky because it means many different things.
"Oxymoron" is tricky because some years ago, someone invented a form of humor that consists of calling things oxymorons. They are jokes. And they aren't real oxymorons, because they aren't intentionally opposite. For example, consider the joke "'Military intelligence' is an oxymoron." "Military intelligence" means acquiring information about the enemy's battle plans. Calling the phrase "an oxymoron" is an indirect way of saying "The military is not intelligent" or "Generals are stupid." Notice this also involves using a second meaning of the word "intelligence."