Your accent is very good, a standard British RP. I only heard a couple of words which were hard to identify: 'scattered about' at 9s., which sounds like 'skettered', and 'retorts' just a few seconds later. The main problem, particularly in the first half, is a lack of intonation, which makes the story sound rather dull, and would put off the listener. If you can tackle this aspect you will have demonstrated a fine command of spoken English and the ability to dramatise a reading.

Link to the audio: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BJ86em3tR7xuGNO1nOOAkeOZw2QWJLaE/view