An ielts academic writing task 2

task: SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER Function over appearance when designING buildings. TO what extent do you agree or disagree? (THIS TOPIC'S GRAMMAR WAS INCORRECT, BUT THE QUESTION TYPE [OPINION/COMPARE & CONTRAST] IS THE MOST COMMON RHETORICAL STYLE REQUIRED FOR THE IELTS.)

As time goes by, the filed --> FIELD of architecture also develops,. We can see beautiful buildings everywhere nowadays. Some people think function is more important than appearance when designING (REDUCED ADVERB CLAUSE: "WHEN ONE IS DESIGNING") buildings. HOWEVER, I think they are both very important. (THIS THESIS STATEMENT IS NOT IDEAL. TRY TO ALWAYS CHOOSE A SIDE, AND AVOID NOT HAVING A CLEAR OPINION.)

Firstly, if we look on --> LOOK AT ("LOOK ON" MEANS TO OBSERVE SOMETHING HAPPEN AND NOT DO ANYTHING TO INTERFERE, E.G. "MY MOTHER LOOKED ON WHILE MY FATHER BEAT ME.") the history of all buildings, we can conclude that buildings are just shelters where humanS can conduct many activities inside (REDUNDANT: IF THEY ARE SHELTERS, IT IS CLEAR THE ACIVITIES HAPPEN "INSIDE".) , (COMMA USUALLY GOES BEFORE "REGARDLESS") regardless of weather conditions. (THIS TOPIC SENTENCE IS WEAK: WHAT IS THIS PARAGRAPH GOING TO BE ABOUT? IT IS UNCLEAR.) For most buildings to function well, we only need to make sure the structure and material are selected correctly, a standard that is already met by every architect. Furthermore, THE function factor is associated with space, size and other things that can not --> CANNOT (CANNOT = LACK OF ABILITY, CAN NOT = OPTION TO NOT DO SOMETHING, E.G. "YOU CAN NOT GO TO THE PARTY, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.") be seen from outside. Therefore, I think there is no point discussing which one is more important. (POINT 1: THE LOGICAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THIS SENTENCE AND THE LAST IS NOT CLEAR. WHY IS THERE NO POINT? BECAUSE THE FACTORS DISCUSS DIFFERENT THINGS? POINT 2: NEVER SAY: THERE IS NO POINT DISCUSSING (THE TOPIC GIVEN). YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. BETTER.")

Secondly, it is fairly difficult to distinguish appearance from function for some buildings. (LOGICAL CONTRADICTION: IT SEEMED IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH THAT YOU SAID FUNCTION AND APPEARANCE WERE SO DIFFERENT YOU COULDN'T COMPARE THEM. NOW YOU SAY IT IS DIFFICULT TO DISTINGUISH THEM.) The definition can be ambiguous sometimes. For instance, churches are built for people to pray and confess inside. But designers always add several crosses and even some wall paints (PAINTINGS?) and sculptures for the famous churches. These accessories make a huge difference not only on (? COHESION: NOT ONLY... BUT ALSO...) the appearance while the function barely changes. However, given the choice, I believe that most religious Christians (REDUNDANT: "CHRISTIAN" IS ALREADY A RELIGIOUS GROUP.) will pray in the spectacular churches rather than in the shabby ones, which in turn help the churches fulfill the function. (BUT HOW DOES THIS MOVE YOUR ARGUMENT FORWARD? BE CLEAR: "THUS IT CAN BE SEEN THAT APPEARANCE AND FUNCTION OFTEN GO HAND IN HAND, WITH ONE ASSISTING THE OTHER.")

In conclusion, appearance and function are both very important for the design of buildings. They do not contradict with each other. In fact, they usually work together to bring the most OUT of buildings.

task achievement (LOW - NO SIDE CHOSEN - maybe 4),

coherence and cohesion (LOW - ARGUMENTATION UNCLEAR - maybe 4),

lexical resource (NOT BAD, BUT NOT ESPECIALLY "HIGH LEVEL" VOCAB - maybe 6),

grammar range and accuracy (NOT BAD: A FEW MINOR ERRORS - 6) 

THIS ESSAY WOULD PROBABLY GET AN IELTS LEVEL 5, IN MY ESTIMATION.

HELLO JINGYI,

HOW ARE YOU?

I TUTOR THE IELTS, ESPECIALLY THE IELTS WRITING SECTION. YOU ARE MAKING A NUMBER OF COMMON MISTAKES THAT I COULD HELP YOU CORRECT IN A RELATIVELY SHORT TIME. WHEN ARE YOU TAKING THE IELTS, AND WHAT SCORE ARE YOU HOPING FOR? SEND ME A PERSONAL MESSAGE IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING THIS FURTHER.

GOOD LUCK!

BLAIR