Who can correct them for me? (it's not wrong but you should ask "who may correct" instead) ............ My first essay
Today, I want to write about my eldest sister. Now I’m very I would like to describe her (but this is a quite spare sentence). Her name is Ngoc. She is twenty five years old. She is a good listener, She who always listens to my problem and gives me advices some advice (advice is uncountable). She can make me better. So that, It that is a the reason/ that's why I want to write about her.
Firstly she is a very caring person (caring is usually before noun) she and always has a kind word to for everyone. Last year, when we traveling were going to travel, she prepared to made a plan for the tour our trip very fast and cautious carefully. Now, she having has got a baby girl and she buys very cute clothes to for daughter the baby super cute. Every morning, she goes to super market to buys foods and she cooks well. I enjoyed enjoy eating (you should use present tense if it's still happening) fried chicken from her and it tastes super good.
Secondly she is hard-working. Every day She gets up very early she then makes breakfast for my family and does housework. In addition, she is an accountant she worked working for my father’s business company. She works on a computer and counts money very fast, she works very efficiently.
Thirdly she is very gracious. She took takes care of my friends when they visited visit my home me (if the main purpose of their trip is to see your house, you can use "visit my home" instead). She has is smooth-tongued (it's not wrong to use "smooth tounged" but smooth talking is better to understand easily), her neighbors really like to talk with her. She made makes my parents feel satisfied with their own business ( own cannot be used after an article), when I have trouble, she always helps me solves solve. Her friends always call her to hang out.
And finally she is sentimental. She really likes drama film (drama is enough) when she free in her free time. Five years ago, she had a cute dog, When it died, she cried a lot. When I feel sad, she made makes me smile and bought buys a lot of games for me. On mother’s day, she said thank you mom in a card and gave mom a dress she sent my mother a thank you card with a dress.
I like her very much. In my mind, she is like a the second mom in my life. It’s That's my great my eldest sister.