Mind Transformation 473 473. 训练， 日记， 步行十， 俱乐部， 网络。 So the contradiction between my passion for knowledge and the necessity to get rest to stay healthy is growing bigger. Yesterday, I forced myself to get as much rest as possible but learned this damn language for the whole day anyway. I read more than 50 pages of “1984” and eventually finished this book. I watched half of a dozen episodes of CrashCourse “History of science” and also finished the course. I spent more than an hour for learning Chinese. I can’t control my passion for consuming educational content to improve my language. And again, if I don’t do that, what else can I do? Just to lie in bed and sleep? Maybe I could watch some stupid movies like “Game of Thrones” or something, but it seems even worse than reading Orwell or watching CrashCourse. I mean, what’s the difference? Here and there, I’m staring at the bloody black mirror, but with regard to the latter, I at least enjoy what I see. Okay, maybe I can switch my focus by typing queries like, “How to cure sinusitis?” on YouTube? What if I watch videos related to my problem instead of getting through whatever I’m addicted to now? I do, I really do watch videos related to the issue. I watched a few of them the day before yesterday! However, I can’t watch them for more than a few minutes; they are stupid and dull. It’s almost like looking in the window or looking at the ceiling. Most of the time, what I find in these videos is crap. Some jerks are talking about well-known stuff or just provide some crazy methods that I wouldn’t buy even if I was in a hopeless state. In addition, my gymnastics helped a lot, and I think that all I need is just to come back to my daily practice of all exercises.

Mind Transformation 472 472. 日记， 网络， 阅读， 训练， 禅坐， 易筋经。 Seems as if I were blaming my restless mind and saying that all problems were triggered by its wild activity. But, honestly, is there a real causality between this damn sinusitis and my passion for learning? Why should I stop all my work and shift to something like— Okay, let’s say I just hate to write about such stupid things as how I feel and what I’m doing to feel better. It’s bloody dumb! I can’t solve this problem simply by addressing it here. Why wouldn’t I move on to working on my projects? A few days ago, I had a headache, and everything I did and did not was justified by it. But now I have no headache and I want to develop my ability to translate abstract ideas into words. Sure, my body suffers a little bit, and that’s fine. I’m certainly going to do something to feel better and get rid of this suffering, but why, the heck, I have to talk about it here? Yesterday, I had lots of exciting thoughts before falling asleep. I was reading “1984” for about three hours and then some ideas related not only to the book but also to my personal experience started to pop up. I would like to study more about this character 6079 Smith W. I think I might even develop him by placing him in the real modern world to see what he’s gonna say then. Though it would not help me with my health, I certainly won’t feel stupid reading my notes afterward. Writing is an instrument of self-control. If we know certain words that can make our body do things that we need to do, it’s like magic. I really have a problem with sinusitis right now, and I need to solve this problem. Everything else, like reading and thinking about fancy characters, isn’t the right thing to focus my attention on. I can wait for a week or month, if necessary, and then continue my cognitive journey. Things are getting worse; it’s not simply a usual thing that happens time by time. I have less energy than I had for last years, my nose is full of damn mucus, and I don’t feel as I used to. Look, I can change the language and easily focus my attention on the right thing. I’m a fucking wizard when it comes down to my native language and I know lots of ways to change my behavior by writing down certain words. However, I don wanna do that. I have to learn to maintain the course of my life by using this language. See me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?

Mind Transformation 471 471. 日记， 步行， 网络， 阅读。 I’m not afraid of being weak. I just don’t like it. My problems with getting rest lie mostly in what may be called passion, or engagement, or urge. There is also a sort of superiority of the mind over emotions, though I wouldn’t divide these two really. Moreover, I guess, I have lots of prejudices that I don’t know how to get rid of. If all goes well I don’t care about whether I’m working/learning too much or not. I’m able to maintain the 30-60 day sequences of impeccable life, but as soon as there is a disease or any kind of “eternal punishment” like headache or whatever—I immediately get confused and look for reasons at where they are not supposed to be. For example, now I have a very strong desire to learn poetry, continue my work on basic exercises, meditation, and self-analysis, but I’ve ceased all of that lest overwork. In other words, if something goes wrong and I don’t know why—I start doing or stop doing lots of things which have nothing to do with the actual problem. It was the case with tinnitus; it was the case with all recent diseases; it is the case now; it’ll probably be the case with many situations in the future. I have to learn how to define better what’s going on and why. When I know exactly that one thing causes another and there is no need for guessing, I have way more advantages from my writing. See me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?

Mind Transformation 470 470. 日记， 训练， 禅坐， 网络， 易筋经， 阅读。 Now I feel better. The pain has gone, though my body is still weak. I’ve been thinking about the word “weakness” for a while, and it seems that this is one of my biggest threats. I guess it’s the result of “shadow work.” I always suffered from being weak in my childhood. Bullies, diseases, and all sorts of problems made me miserable due to the lack of power. When I got older, somewhere around 22-23, I started repressing everything that I thought was weak in myself and it was a real breakthrough. I remember moments in my life when I believed that I was restless. It helped me a lot with my work and set me on a path of personal development, so I would say that all vital changes in my life happened when I started working on my weaknesses and one by one turned them into strengths. However, on the flip side, I created a kind of attitude—my general mood I guess—that can tolerate no weakness at all, and this made my life more difficult than it could have been. I’m not complaining about that; obviously, the adjective “difficult” has nothing to do with “bad” or “terrible” or whatever. The point is that I can improve my life simply by acknowledging weakness as something unavoidable and maybe even useful at special times— I must stop being afraid to be weak.

Mind Transformation 469 469. 日记 ， 网络。 The situation is getting worse. I feel slight pain when I bend down during the whole day. I’ve decided to take antibiotics. I drank these antibiotics when I had similar problems in the past. I didn’t count how many days I was using them, though I clearly remember that after the treatment I felt better. Probably I have to visit a doctor, but let’s try to solve this problem easier. Today, I’m watching movies and trying to get rest. I think that my intellectual work somehow fosters the degradation of my physical health, but I get used to learning whatever I’m learning, so it’s almost impossible to find repose. By the way, I’m sure that in a week everything is gonna be okay. I’ll get healthier. Where is this damn “vitaminol”? It’s kinda weird that almost always when I feel sick I feel stupid at the same time. My thoughts are vague and disorganized; I can’t focus on anything; I don’t like how I’m thinking. I know it has to be that way; there is no choice. However, I remember other times, when I wrote amazing texts having even more terrible condition. The letters to X were written when I had a high temperature and couldn’t breathe properly for three days. On the one hand, I can totally transcend this feeling of discomfort and think deeply about some abstract ideas just to shift my attention to something positive. I guess I’ve been doing it for many years for sure. Seems I’m permanently ill since 2008, or even earlier depending on what exactly means to be ill, But there is nothing I can do about it, so instead of being upset I just take it for granted and do whatever I can and like to do in order to feel better and get rid of everything unpleasant. Okay, that’s enough for today. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?

Mind Transformation 468 468. 阅读 ，日记 ， 网络， 步行三， 训练， 易筋经三。 Yesterday, I had a headache while inclining my head down. This damn sinusitis—what can I do about it? Drink medicine? I guess this is the last thing I wanna do and only if there is no other way to get rid of the pain. Now I feel half-healthy, so I hope that everything is gonna be okay soon. I know that I have to pay more attention to my health, and instead of thinking about abstract concepts, I’d rather look for something that’ll make me healthy. But what is it that I may look for? I do plenty of work to keep my body in a good shape, I’m working on my diet, I’m trying to avoid cold and anything that could damage my immune system. Most of the time I feel pretty damn good—that’s why I don’t go to the hospital to make an operation on my nose. However, the last 50 days or so, I guess it started at the time when I was working on my second lecture in the middle of March, I didn’t feel healthy. This is not good. I’ve read a few books, watched so many videos, recorded lots of my videos, wrote, thought—and all of that had nothing to do with my health. Why do I not focus my full attention on the issue to dissolve it? Now it’s vital! I must be a bloody fool thinking about “shadow work” and things like that at this time. First, there should be perfect health and then, anything else. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?

Mind Transformation 467 467. 日记 ， 步行六， 阅读。 Yesterday, I watched a video where a girl was talking about “shadow work” for half an hour, and this concept attracted my attention more than I expected. The idea is that at the moment when we are born we come to this world undivided, but since we are dependent on our parents in the process of socialization we are forced to get separated into two parts. There is always something in us that our parents, and then other people, love; and there is something that they hate. They correct our behavior by verbal, emotional, or any other sorts of reinforcements and punishments. From our first days, we learn from our environment that there is something wrong with us—something we must repress to successfully get socialized. In other words, we sacrifice part of us for the sake of society, but this part isn’t going anywhere and stays with us as we grow old. This part becomes our “shadow”. I’m not sure whether it’s clear or not; I can’t describe it better than this girl after listening to her just one time. I knew about this idea from reading Jung and listening to J.B. Peterson, however, now, after watching the video I figured out how this damn shadow is formed and I also figured out something that I couldn’t figure out before. It’s quite interesting and I guess I may talk about it while doing my speaking exercise. See me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?

Mind Transformation 466 466. 训练， 禅坐，易筋经， 日记 ， 娱乐部， 阅读， 步行六。 我需要纠正这句话。 我需要帮助。 现在最棒的中国武术大师是哪位？ I need to prepare for the coming speaking club. Our discussion today is gonna be focused on creativity, and here is what I think about it. Creativity is a skill that enables us to make something new out of something familiar. We may call a person creative if he or she works on developing the skill and applies it for a variety of purposes. Perhaps it may be said that every person is creative in terms of using their language. However, there is no doubt that a lot of people understand very little about what they can do with their language, and how it affects their lives. Recently I read an article on Wikipedia about the subject and from there I found out that the term was popularized quite recently—a few centuries ago. For most time of human history, people believed that creativity was a kind of divine thing, so only gods were capable of creating something. Plato, as it said, was a suspicious guy when it came to creativity. He didn’t believe in it and claimed that instead of creating things, people just copied them. Though I’m not sure about the notion “copy” since Plato probably used a different word like “imprint” or something. Ah, I guess it was the word “replicate,” but anyway. So we still have the majority of people thinking that only gifted men can create, write poetry, and art, etc. Again, all these people are somehow creative because they all use language in their own unique way without realizing it to the degree where it actually makes difference. See me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?

Mind Transformation 465 465 训练， 易筋经， 诗， 发音， 吃， 日记， 运动。 I think I need more space for studying Chinese than I have on top of my diary. There is no room for many Chinese characters, and I’d probably better use two pages for one day as I did earlier while I worked on my dreams. But instead of writing down dreams, I’m going to use the first page for scheduling and working on Chinese. The second page is gonna be applied for recording my stream of consciousness—a kind of mental gymnastics. Since I’ve changed my routine and replaced my video-dairy with this paper one, I have to point out what I’m working on now. Actually, I already talked about it in this diary but anyway. Why wouldn’t I say it again in order to refresh my memory and clarify my vision after a few weeks of “chaos.” Here are the priorities. 1. 武术 （禅坐） 2. 俱乐部 3. 诗 Perhaps that’s what I need to focus on the most for now. I wanna emphasize that in near future I hope to focus on developing these things in a harmonious way, so the goal is to keep a balance between physical and intellectual work. While I was using my video diary for the last 100 days, I noticed that the balance was shifted to intellectual work very much whereas the physical was quite underestimated. There was something about 80/20. Now I wanna make it 60/40 or 40/60. See me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC43fwC5DpfaJi3wGQO5b_ZA?