6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
We have a lot of "roundabouts" in the Boston area (well, it is "New England") where they are called "rotaries." They are awful. They are not quite as bad as they used to be, though, because decades ago nobody knew how to apply two conflicting traffic rules.
One traffic rule says that if two vehicles approach an intersection at about the same time, the vehicle on the left must yield to the one on the right. Under one interpretation, the rotary is a circular road, and each entrance to the rotary is an intersection with it. The vehicles in the rotary are always on the left of those wishing to enter. Under this interpretation, then, the vehicles in the rotary must yield to those trying to enter.
Another traffic rule says that vehicles that are trying to enter an intersection must yield to those that are already in the intersection. Under another interpretation, the rotary itself is "an intersection" between the roads entering it, and vehicles entering must yield to those that are already in it.
I am not actually sure which was the right interpretation, but Massachusetts drivers, a very aggressive bunch, seemed to act under the first interpretation. In the 1990, they finally got around to putting up (hundreds and hundreds) of "yield" signs at every entrance to every rotary, and things became somewhat less bad.
To my horror, rotaries, which are universally hated in the New England area, are being adopted elsewhere in the U.S.--as a "traffic calming" measure! That is, they are being introduced in order to create traffic jams intentionally, and slow traffic down.
First, let me explain that I did not write this humourous/humorous (or not) article, and as such, it does not necessarily reflect any of my points of view.
Second, while living in Hong Kong I had the chance to experience roundabouts.
They seemed to make sense to me and didn't appear to pose any problems for the users.
My girlfriend at that time asked me if I wanted to drive her most-treasured BMW, but I declined because I doubted my abiltiy to remain in the left lane and had I tried to negotiate a roundabout, I'm sure I would have wet myself.
Third, I give full credit to those hardy rugby players, but I fear many of them may do physical bodily injury to themselves. Then again, there are many American and Canadian football players who have suffered numerous concussions. As well, after years of repeated physical damage, there are numerous young, retired players who need support to walk across a room due to their severe chronic injuries.
Thanks to all for your interesting comments.
PART 1 of this article can be seen at: