Could someone help me correct my essay Toefl ? Thank you

Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.  Essay: 

With a serious increase in the number of advertisement on television, people are getting worried about its impacts on young children in the age of two to five. Some individuals thus suggest a ban on those advertisements. In my point of view, I totally agree with this idea because of several reasons.

 To begin with, TV advertising can deviate the cognition of children about the society. In fact, from two to five years old, the child’s brain can not aware of the exactitude of TV news and they even tend to trust all it. Unfortunately, many ads not only use stereotypes on society but also exaggerate the relevance of their products. For example, to illustrate the benefice for the strength, a milk advertisement shows the scenery: a boy is strong enough to break a wall after drinking a cup of milk. One more example, in some permanent publicity, the man plays the role of a success businessman and the woman is busy in the kitchen. These stereotypes can affect directly the perception of children about a phenomenon not only at that time but also when they grow up.

In addition, TV advertising has a strongly negative effect on the behavior of children. It can’t be denied that young children usually imitate the action and the parole of others, especially shown on TV. Let’s imagine what will happen if they copy the way a child insists his parent to buy regularly fast food and gas drinking? Evidently, aware of its harmless to the health, parent will refuse and that provoke a conflict between two generations. Moreover, it can be worse if children watch an advertising that involves the violent scenery. We can simply predict an unexpected result: a copy of violent action.

In conclusion, with all the arguments above, I believe that television advertising directed towards young children cause a detrimental influence not only on their cognition but also their behavior. A disallowance to the TV publicity is essential and urgent.

Apr 17, 2018 1:37 PM
Comments · 1
There are only some mistakes that can be easily corrected the rest is perfect.
In the first paragraph instead of in the age write of age 2-5 years old and in the third paragraph instead of strongly negative impacts write strong negative impacts
April 17, 2018