Ali
What is the funniest joke that you've ever heard in English? <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" height="93" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); width: 398px;"><tbody><tr><td valign="top" height="33" style="width: 398px; padding: 3.75pt;">

Three turtles

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Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella." The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my coffee." "We won't," the other two promised. Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isn't coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee." Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I won't go."

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May 3, 2019 2:35 PM
Comments · 10
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna"

The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
"By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!''

May 4, 2019

The jokes are pretty funny. Thank you for sharing them.

Now, here's a joke in which I have translated into English:

A group of animals sat together to share jokes, each in its turn, with one rule which was to kill the animal that his joke wasn't laughed at by all the other animals.

The monkey was the first to start, he told them a joke, and they all laughed except the turtle, so they killed him.

Then, it was the turn of the giraffe, and the same had happened, so they killed her.

After that, the gorilla told them a joke, and all the animals laughed including the turtle who said cheerfully: Oh! How funny the monkey's joke is!

May 4, 2019
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: 
"Look, it's not the same hat." 
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." 
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" 
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. 
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. 
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
May 5, 2019

Nice story.  In fact, those of us who've been here a while might remember translating it into a whole range of languages:

https://www.italki.com/discussion/122863

May 4, 2019

In the style of jokes which begin, "a man walks into a bar...." is this version.

A dung beetle walks into a bar, and asks, "Is this stool taken?"


May 3, 2019
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