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Florian K.
Professional Teacher
Can you force yourself to love someone?
  I had an interesting discussion with a male friend. It is about love and romance. This male friend I am talking about was someone who courted me in the past but unfortunately he got an immediate rejection. It’s not that I dislike him or something. It’s just because I saw him as a friend. I have that fear that when we become romantically linked together, there will be that sense of awkwardness at work. I think that I was more “manly”than him because of my strong character and I always thought of him as a flirt or someone easily charmed by someone’s beauty. Our concept of love and attraction is like the north and the south. I was never attracted to men who looked beautiful. In fact, I prefer men who are intelligent rather than eye-candy.

 He always told me that “love is something that is learned.” I find it so strange and I told him that,”love is something that is never forced, it should be natural”. It's not like I am reading a book or learning a new skill, love in my perspective should be natural. He went on by saying that giving people a chance or at least a chance to get to know them deeply and eventually you will learn to love that person. I just nodded and laughed. I am happy that my male friend and previous suitor is already married and that I still have him as a friend, maybe not someone romantic but at least as a friend. I don’t really agree with his concept of love as something that is learned . Love for me is about connection and a connection should never be forced.

Related article

Can you learn to love someone?
Can you force yourself to love someone?


May 2, 2020 1:58 PM
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Comments · 24
I wouldn’t say force.

You can learn to accept things about others. By accepting the good and the bad you learn different things. In learning these things you can then learn more about yourself.

Our feelings may change over time as our heart changes through the process of acceptance.

Forced love isn’t love.

I’ve started off disliking people because of restrictions I placed on them. They didn’t deserve the restrictions, but I placed them there. Once I lifted the restrictions that I placed out of fear, I saw them for who they were and that it was ok to love them.

Love is more than physical attraction
May 2, 2020
Earlier I wrote how love can be learned. Here is how I know that love can be learned.

What Joe Gave Me

I remember how Joe loved me.
He didn't try to replace my father.
This allowed me to have a relationship that was unconditional.
That allowed me to love him freely.
He wanted to be my friend.
He knew I had a father.
So, he decided to be my friend.
Because he was my friend, we became so much more than friends.
That allowed him to become my family.
I started to love him.
The greatest gift he gave me was this friendship.

This friendship allows me to remember him fondly.
I can remember the good times.
I remember the person he was.

God decided to change his heart.
God used Joe to make me a better person.
I knew how to love my family,
But really loving others was incomprehensible to me.
Because I loved Joe, I learned how to love others.
I learned how to love others the way they are.

God gave me Joe because God knew I had to love others.
Joe gave me the joy of loving others.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Joe didn't start out as a friend. He was the enemy. He was taking someone away from me that I loved. This automatically made him the enemy, based upon previous events in my life.

Anything he did was going to be wrong, and just because he was the one doing it. One day I realized I was bitter.

I let go of bitterness and let the relationship develop. I discovered how to love others. And there is joy in loving others.

Again, love is so much more than physical attraction. There's a word for just the physical attraction: Lust

And I choose to progress beyond lust and accept love for all it encompasses.

May 3, 2020
I believe that you're talking about two different concepts.
1) falling in love is something that you have no control over, something that happens without you being aware of it
2) love ,on the other hand, is something that comes eventually and something that you work on everyday to maintain.
May 5, 2020
Certainly love can be learned, but force yourself to love someone? Nah. Love should not be forced.
May 3, 2020
I find that love is strange. Sometimes it feels it isn't even a real emotion. Sometimes it's a habit or an addiction to someone, sometimes it's comfort in someone's presence, sometimes it's fomo. It's hard to explain and different for everyone. You may find true love or not, it all depends on how it's perceived by your mind.

Some say that Love is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. I don't know how much of it's true, but definitely our mind plays an important role in this. Do you get dopamine spike in someone's presence?

Some say that Love is when you can fart together without any shame :D weird but I'll leave it upto you. (haha)
When I read about Stockholm syndrome, I found love even more confusing.
In conclusion I think love is different for everyone and it's up to you how you want to perceive or define it.

However, Hate, I think is a universal emotions. It's pure and can be without any reason. It's an axiom in itself while love depends on other number of complex emotions.
May 3, 2020
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Florian K.
Language Skills
Chinese (Mandarin), English, Filipino (Tagalog), Finnish, Other
Learning Language
Chinese (Mandarin), Finnish, Other