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UK government announces new healthcare funding initiative
Following the runaway success of Captain Tom Moore, the plucky war veteran and centenarian who has raised £30 million ($38 m) for the UK’s National Health Service by walking up and down his back garden, assisted by only a Zimmer frame and the odd packet of Hob Nobs, the government has said it now plans to abolish state healthcare funding altogether.

Inspired by Captain Tom’s example, a series of state-run charity events are to be held up and down the country aiming to raise funds for the next 5 years.

The first of these, “Boris’s Big Geriatric Bungee Bash”, will be a collective bungee jump involving daring have-a-go pensioners from all over Britain.

Bristol’s famous Clifden suspension bridge is being mooted as a possible venue for what the press have called the ‘senior’s shindig` (Daily Mirror) or a ‘huge leap of faith’, (Guardian), to be broadcast live on national television.

Major sponsors already pledging their support include: National Garden Centres, Bristol Pergolas and Conservatories, Stannah Stairlifts and the Daily Telegraph.

The “Bash” will be hosted by Alan Titchmarsh, voted “Britain’s Sexiest Man” by The People’s Friend, describing him as: “more alluring than Brad Pitt, yet gentler with your herbaceous borders.”

MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has called the idea: “splendid”. Writing in an article for Forbes magazine “Making Money out of a Crisis”, he has promised to name a new hedge fund in honour of the first OAP who doesn’t make it, when it is launched by his private investment company, Mogg, Grabbit and Scarper, at the end of next month.

In addition, public healthcare workers, instead of an inflation-linked pay rise, are to receive an annual hearty round of applause. To keep up with the colossal increase in the cost of living forecast as a result of the crisis, the “NHS national clap” will be extended on a yearly basis and is expected, by 2015, to comprise a full 15 minutes.

Those “NHS Corona-Heroes” fortunate enough to have survived the pandemic, can expect, on retirement, to receive a W.H. Smith book token and a gift-wrapped box of licorice allsorts.

Senior medical consultants who expire before reaching retirement will be commemorated in the House of Commons with a brief but patronising eulogy delivered by an obscure junior Tory backbencher from Cheadle Hulme who no one has ever heard of.

Do YOU have an elderly relative? Someone who is perhaps slowly becoming a burden. a little unbalanced, disoriented or suffering from dementia and finding day-to-day life increasingly difficult?

You can sign them up under:

“Boris’s Big Geriatric Bungee Bash” at

A swift no-fuss power of attorney authorisation is available requiring only your relative’s name and national insurance number.

May 4, 2020 12:07 PM
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