Community Web Version Now Available
Florian K.
Professional Teacher
Does the approval/disapproval of family members really matter in marriage?
    I had an interesting talk with my aunt yesterday, and she was verbalizing her dislike of my nephew’s new girlfriend. My aunt is known for being absolutely blunt. “I really do not like her, she is not good enough for my favorite grandson, he could do better, I really wish they would break up.” She uttered these words while we were eating breakfast so you could just imagine the awkwardness.
As a listener, it was interesting to hear and I realized the importance of gaining the approval of family members before getting married. She went on by saying,” If he marries that girl, he can say goodbye to his inheritance.” I was like,"OH MY." The elders in my family do not know how to "sugarcoat"things so I think while eating my breakfast, I was chewing my food slower than usual while listening.
My nephew is her favorite grandson, so I would understand why she expressed her disapproval. The phrase,” He could do better struck me the most.”

           My family is composed of opinionated women, so just in case that girl really marries my nephew, I already feel sorry for her. It’s not me who disapproves but the matriarchs of the family.
I think that the approval of the family is really important and although it’s not always possible to gain it. It would be extremely useful to at least try. The girl went to our house during the quarantine period wearing her pajamas so she created quite an impression. There are a lot of well-dressed women in our family so when a visitor goes to our house looking like she just woke up, it creates a really bad impression.
She did not bother to say HI, even as a visitor nor did she try to gain our respect. My aunt was really upset not just of her background, but also of her manners. So, I realized how complicated marriage is. It would be interesting to hear from the “married members” of the community.

Sorry, my topics are about love lately. I am not in love or something. I’ll create another discussions later. I am just really interested in “love.”
May 7, 2020 10:39 PM
25
8
Comments · 25
It matters if you plan to be very involved with the extended family. The disapproval of others can make life hard for even the most well-suited people.

If involvement with the extended family is minimal, it hardly matters.

In my opinion, you are the one who knows best what you can tolerate, what you like and who you're going to spend your life with. The disapproval of other people, even family, should not count more than one's own decisions.

People disapprove of everything. They disapprove of my bare face, of my unstyled hair and my comfortable clothes. They take it to mean I'm not respectful. That shouldn't make me change my style. To me, these choices mean freedom from consumerism and the more superficial aspects of our culture. If I feel best in a hoodie and see no need to spray or tint my hair with weird mousses, it doesn't really matter that someone else thinks that makes me lazy or incompetent. My worth isn't in clothing and cosmetics. Similarly, I trust my own instincts when it comes to marriage, not the checklist (what does he do? what's his family background?) imposed by others whose values are alien to me.
May 7, 2020
Hi Florian. I see your point as well, but I reject and refuse to participate in the notion that dressing up is a sign of respect for the situation and other people. I know many people won't agree. I think that if I am clean, a t-shirt is just fine. It doesn't change my work. I would not put on a suit, though I do own one, just to impress or look appropriate for a business meeting. I simply wouldn't do business with people who are very hung up on my attire.

A couple of men I know influenced me in this regard. Both are brilliant and among the best in their fields. Neither cares about his appearance and clothes. They wear casual clothes where other people expect formality. It ends up being irrelevant because they are good af what they do. I think women are too pressured to worry about how they look and "looking the part" of a businesswoman or whatever else they do, and spend time on ensembles that could have been spent becoming a real expert.
May 8, 2020
My opinion is more like @človek & @"James S-C".

1) I agree with @človek, it's not their business, but if you think this way - you must handle the consequences;
2) And I think the same way, as @"James S-C": nephew's family can just TRY to talk with her, to comfort her, create the space for mutual exchange of their feelings and emotions, to make the first step. But they didn't.

My point of view on this question more like this:
if you've done some actions like engagement, than you have to deal like a man, that is independent enough in any sphere, to rent an apartment where you could live safe and sound with your beloved person.

But only time reveal us who is who)
May 8, 2020
I understand the point of view of your aunt. In my family, is the same thing, even to have friends 😅

I think it depends of families.

in my opinion, the best way for your cousin is to break up with his girlfriend if he is really close to his mum. I think that, parents, brothers and sisters -when we have a strong relationship with them - know if something is really bad for us.
I’m sure that he can find a woman who is correct for his mum and for him.

well, I’ll explain: if he marries this girl, the problem will be the future. Because it will have a lot of disagreements between his mother and his wife. How will he do? And for their children?

A familly needs to be strong 😅
May 9, 2020
@Guyomar, I totally dig that style ;D ... I've shaken hands with CEOs in t-shirt, shorts and bare feet (that would be me, not the CEOs) ;) ...
May 9, 2020
Show More
Florian K.
Language Skills
Chinese (Mandarin), English, Filipino (Tagalog), Finnish, Other
Learning Language
Chinese (Mandarin), Finnish, Other