The following is a discussion arising from a comment made by Kim on the 3rd page. It was too long to be split into so many parts, causing confusion.
The black is the original from Kim. The blue is my reply and red is her suggestion.
Thanks Kim, as usual your poem is great and rhymes beautifully. I shall give my reasons for my way of construction in the following comment box due to limitations.
Your changes as a stand alone poem is excellent; complete with rhyme and meaning. My original intent was to match yours, line by line in a couplet form. However, my knowledge is lacking that I am unable to do so in the department of rhyming. This is the place for you to come up with something better! We will all appreciate it.
Your line, 庭院星稀残荷愁. is excellent and superior. Unfortunately, 影瘦 and 心头 violate couplet construction because of your original 不尽 and 中藏. Besides, the couplet meaning is not constrasted: the original is of hidden emotion while the matching one should be something exposed.
P.S. You don't have to send me a private message in making suggestions or corrections :) I know my Chinese isn't as great as any of you native speakers. However, the aim of this group is to discuss, teach, learn and exchange in a fun atmosphere. It is also a place of intellect. This is not a place to be high and mighty in telling others that they are wrong to make oneself look superior. Even if someone is indeed wrong, things must be diplomatically put so that pride can be easily swallowed and at the same time, respect your opinion. Confrontational tones are never tolerated. It shows the lack of education and refinement. You risk banishment.
Today, I learnt something new from you in English. I never knew such a word existed, "squiffy". So I have looked it up in the dictionary. Now I know your English teacher must be from England :)
Poems are so terse that different people reading them can think of different images. Your 渡水 makes me think of a boat sailing on a river, in this case it is the moonlight crossing the waters.
駐 makes me think of old official station for travelling officials to stay over night either leaving or approaching the capital. So from your explanation, it means stopped.
Try your best in translating it. I shall then correct any mistake you have made. Never sell yourself short. I thought I could not compose any music but after trying my hand, I am able to compose 4 pieces within a month. I am quite amazed at myself. Now it seems quite easy. All you need is some inspiration and will yourself :)
Haha, I guess the words are mediocre, yet the meaning is OK. So it should be more elegant in your translation.
I tried to narrate:
came cross the yard, the lake, the moonlihgt stopped in the party filled with laugh aloud.
dancing in the wine, pursuing the letter, winding up dust in the ink.
（a metaphor of the moonlight participation in the poetic activities, she is writing poems in squiffedly）
taken off formal dress and ornament in the feast, left all the bright light,
There begun the moon to show a clean and simple temperament.
Whoa! Such words of elegance that I was stumped trying to translate into English. I need your elucidation on the first line. From what I understand, your first four words are describing the moonlight as seen by those in the hall, or on a river boat and even in the encampment. Hence unknown suspicious sounds abound. Does 驻 means "to stop" or to "stay"? Does you second line means that a letter is written after the person is drunk or that it is left unanswered? My ears are in await from your wise words. :)
Doesn't matter whose is better etc. It's the spirit to join in that is the most important. Every word, every phrase a gem. Why? Because it came from your thoughts and hearts. Happy Mid Autumn Festival to all.
Just think this may be better, not a correction exactly.
And one of the reason I recasted them is the emotional tones seem not to be matched very well. I hope you will not mind.