Since I am the author of this, I can edit :) So I am going to put everyone's together for easy reading. Benben's is very good after all she's studying to be a translator. Hers is in green while mine is in blue and Cathy's in orange. We all have the same translation when there is only one translation. Of course my Chinese isn't as great as you native speakers, so feedback is important for everyone to learn from each other! As more try their hand, I shall include them here as well.
Closer and closer,
近一點, 再近一點, (Cantonese would be 近些, 再近些少)
Encircling so ever closer
Towards the sirenic1 lure of the flame.
咝咝 both are excellent onomatopoeia
Undulating waves of heated passion.
Closer and closer
With each sweep, still even closer.
"Feel the ecstacy starting to boil
In your obsessed desires"
Sang the tongues of the Flame.
Closer and closer
Still a bit more...
Feel the sinuating curves of my body.
Let your repressed pleasures set ablazed.
Let me burn away
Your mortal remains
And as for your immortal soul --
Forever locked in my eternal embrace!
The last four lines really say that I don’t care how you look anymore, but whether you are willing or not, your soul will forever be locked (imprisoned) in my embrace.
1. A “Siren” is a mermaid/nymph of the sea in Greek Mythology. They can sing most beautifully on an island. When men hear their song, they forget everything and jumped into the ocean for them where these monsters would eat them. There’s a scene in the Pirates of the Caribbean where they make an appearance. Finally they were destroyed by the more enchanting lyre music of Orpheus when Jason and the Argonaunts passed through. The only mortal that heard their music and lived was Odysseus who plugged all other sailors’ ears with wax and himself being tied to the mast of his ship. Hence sirenic is an adjective used for this song. In modern days, a Siren means (not that horrid sound blasting from an ambulance etc) a singer with a very enchanting and seductive voice. You can’t call Barbara Stressiand a Siren though because her voice though a wonder is not seductive!
10 Sep 1992
I am sure you are better.
"每次近" is not a complete sentence, like"你漂亮"，"我好". We can get the meaning of them, but we usually speak like "你很/真漂亮"，"我很好". I suppose “每次近” is not so native expression of Chinese translation.
I was not in my total Chinese mode! It was still in the stage where Chinese and English were still mixed and not separated yet :(
I think "旋轉一掃, 每次近" would be better; and "緾環越縮越近" would be better :)
Your vocabulary is okay, but some of your sentences are like translation from Google translation, "緾環這麽近在""每次一掃旋轉, 每次近".
I like some of your translation, such as "近一點, 再近一點,","妖歌燄火之魅力裡".