Jokes in English

Whenever I come upon a joke that I think is funny or cute and easy enough to understand as a non-native, I am going to post it here so that my English learning friends can use their new English to have a chuckle. 


Other native English speakers are of course welcome to add to the fun. 

Jun 25, 2014 3:31 PM
Comments · 456

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the other dolls.’


June 25, 2014

In an American trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness. The witness was an elderly woman who was a great grandmother and had always lived in the town. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know who I am?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize that you'll never amout anything more than a two-bit ambulance chaser. Yes I know you!  


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 


She replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradly since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. He also cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. 


The defense attorney nearly died. 


The judge asked both the attorneys to approach the bench to talk to them, and in a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you idiots asks if she knows me, I will send you both to the electric chair!"

June 25, 2014

A month later the woman came in to get her hair done again. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great too!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel. It's the finest hotel in the city. They also were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky" replied the woman. "As we toured the Vatican, a guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and asked if I'd be so kind as
to step into the Pope's private room and wait for the Pope who would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "My poor woman, who gave you that truly horrible hair cut?"

June 26, 2014

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader

of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.


June 26, 2014

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

July 27, 2014
Show more