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Could anyone help me with narrative tence?

Could anyone help me with narrative tense? Just now I am trying to make a text accompanying to educative cartoon. It will be about usage listen and hear.
It would be very kind of you if you correct my text and give me some advice.
It’s Mike. He is a nice and joyful guy. He is in love with Mary (fall in love with)/ It seems he fall in love with Mary.
It’s uncle Tom? Mary’s father. He has a big family and has to work hard to make a living. Just now he is sleeping after a grueling day.
O, Gosh! Just at this moment Mike decides to sing a song to his beloved girl. What will happen?
Uncle Tom is hearing (?) loud music. It wakes him up. He is getting in furious. Run out.
But Mike hasn’t known anything, he is going on singing.
Uncle Tom is shouting at him? But Mike is so passionate. He doesn’t hear him.
Do you hear me?
I can’t listen to this load music.
But Mike doesn’t notice him. Just at this moment Mary is standing at the corner of the house and listening to music.

Dec 17, 2014 8:49 AM
Comments · 3

Thanks for advice , @Peachey. Notebook is a good one, but unfortunately,but it's corrected rarely.

I have posted it in notebook. Let's see. Maybe, now I'll be fortunate.

December 17, 2014

Hi Keti, CHYL,

 

Both texts should be posted in Notebook (http://www.italki.com/notebook) if you want proper corrections. Unfortunately, they are full of errors, and this Discussion section isn't well-equipped for correcting texts - it has to do with the character limit, which for some reason includes the html code, as well as what we actually type.

December 17, 2014

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

 

 

 

It’s uncle Tom? Mary’s father. He has a big family and has to work hard to make a living. Just now he is sleeping after a grueling day.
O, Gosh! Just at this moment Mike decides to sing a song to his beloved girl. What will happen?
Uncle Tom is hearing (?) loud music. It wakes him up. He is getting in furious. Run out.
But Mike hasn’t known anything, he is going on singing.
Uncle Tom is shouting at him? But Mike is so passionate. He doesn’t hear him.
Do you hear me?
I can’t listen to this load music. Suddenly there is a lady in a white gown with wings to knock Mike's window and Mike stops to make any sounds to open his window to say, where are you from? From the sky? Are those wings real?

The lady answers I am following your voice to come. Mike feels so weird and cannot understand this lady, just asks is my voice so charming? But I doesn't wish your coming, only for my girl.

She answers him with her smiling to say voice reflects your heart pretty and I am from your heart to bring you a good wish.

Mike doesn’t notice uncle. But also stop singing to check his mirror and stare at himself. Again, his uncle knocks Mike's door and opens but he doesn't see the lady, just tell Mike "Attaboy" really well done to give me a nice and quiet night and I believe your tomorrow will be better after on and on, Merry Christmas, Mike.

Next day, in the morning of Christmas day, Mary is standing next to Mike's bed and says I would like to hear your song to spare my Christmas day with you.

Mike asks, how do you know that? She says your uncle telling me all about you yesterday.

December 17, 2014
keti
Language Skills
English, Georgian, Russian
Learning Language
English